The Usual

I'm sorry to all my readers if you ever get tired of me writing saddening posts 90% of the time. I seriously can't help it lol I guess this is what happens when you only write one entry in the past year. I still find it funny and it was just a short paragraph lol what the hell? I dunno dude

Well, as most of you would know, 2014 was a really bad year for me. Everything was basically falling apart and believe me, I wanted to disappear so so much. Well firstly, I know other people have it hard and much worse than me but, you know.. oh gosh, I feel bad now. Urgh, I'm so complicated, I even confuse myself!

The starting of 2014 was okay but then some girls in my school started to dislike me because I always tweet a lot but quiet in real life (I talk a lot actually just not in front of them because I'm cool like that) haha but really though. They started to provoke me on twitter but indirectly. They even bashed me on ask.fm anonymously but I know it was them. It was just too obvious. They were really hypocritical since they said I was a coward but at the same time being anonymous. It was funny, I lolled.

All that, and also I broke up with "him". Things got rough and yeah. He wasn't helping at all with making me move on easily or anything because he kept on coming back but at the same time flirted with other girls. The girls who didn't like me were his classmates so they were very (and I mean, very) happy to hear the news about our breakup.


Those girls started to somewhat use him by getting close to him in front of me just to make me jealous. I know that because they weren't really close and he didn't even like them in the first place. But, everything they did was just to make my life miserable so it didn't really matter to him nor those sluts. Thinking back about it now, it was somehow hilarious. Fighting over trivial things and then doing all that for their personal self-humor.. I pity them, really (kind of) But, that didn't make me stop feeling heartbroken and sad to see them being close. I was so mad, I even threw a bottle at the floor at school.

After that, I had to move to another school. It was supposed to be a better school but I didn't belong there. My mom moved me there because she wanted to me stop talking to "him" (all this because of a good backstabbing friend of mine called, Puteri, was nice enough to make things worse for me) basically, everything was going downhill and I was about to reach rock bottom, but suddenly it was decided that it wanted to go inside the ground and touch the freaking core of the earth.

It may seem like I exaggerated but, it's actually true. That's how I felt. My mom and I wouldn't stop arguing and fighting whenever we talked about school because I hated it there so much. I did come to like it but some of the teachers there were.. terrifying. That's a whole other story though but I'll save that for another post, maybe..

Some of my old schoolmates acted nice in front of me but talked bad about me behind my back. They were really great actors though, A+ for that. I was stupid to think that if I was nice to people, then they would be nice to me back. But, in reality, people do whatever the hell they want and most of the time get away with it. But it's okay, Allah swt will make these people pay.

After all the things that happened, I got depressed, I lost my appetite, I felt like disappearing and so much more. There were good days, I admit. But, there were so many bad days until I just couldn't stand it. Sometimes I would find myself in a store, looking at razor blades (emo, right? lol) but I quickly went away. I didn't want to give up, not just yet. But, I'm the type of person that doesn't really tell other people about my feelings. I don't know, maybe what people think of me affects me more than I realised. Those girls.. they never really came to apologise to me. I didn't really mind but, it's just not fair. They knew that I was sad, but they decided to make things worse.

These girls have even gone far enough to close the doors when Sabrina and I were inside the school's store. Other people were inside too but they just didn't give a damn, I guess? I was so pissed off. But, I've never really cried at school though. Oh wait, maybe once but that last year but that, too, is another story lol. I tried so hard to become heartless, to always put on a "i feel nothing" face so that people wouldn't know my weaknesses.

Sometimes I wonder, what would happen if I were to cry during that time when everything was collapsing right in front of me. Would they stop? Would people start to feel sorry for me? Would my mom stop scolding me and stop forcing me to like the new school just because my sister and brother went there? Would my old friends start to realise what they've done? Would those girls start to feel bad? Would things get better? I don't know. I just didn't like the idea of crying in front of people. It makes me feel weak but in reality, I'm so very weak. I act like I'm strong and most people think I am but it's all just an act because I know if I stopped doing that, it would mean that I've given up on trying to be strong for real.

This post doesn't really makes sense lol but I'm happy now. I'm so happy. Even though I'm mostly alone, but I'm happy. And, to the people who ruined my 2014, well congratulations cause you just got included in my blog post! Lucky you hehe *sense the sarcasm? No? Ok

I'm done now thanks bye