-

Before this, people thought I was with.. someone else. And I admit, I thought I would be with that person too. But somehow, things became complicated and then I chose... Qayyum.

We've been together for about 5 months now. Most people would know that I've been hurt a lot of times. I soon became heartless and didn't want to be with anyone at all. And while I was enjoying being single, I talked with a lot of guys. No, not because I wanted to flirt them, of course not. I always talk to them on social network because I've never met them, let alone talk to them face to face. Of course I talk to my girl friends but only at school because most of them don't have social network, understand? Good.

After my breakup with Eiman, I started to get close with Hazeem, as most of you all would know. We always on-the-phoned, skype, whatsapp, mention on twitter and whatnot. But then, on this year, I started to be close with Qayyum because we were classmates. Suddenly, he confessed to me and I was a little surprised. My friend, Afiqah, who is also a friend of Qayyum's, wanted us to be together so she helped us. She helped Qayyum by asking me what I think of him. I just told her that I didn't like guys who smokes cigarettes/shisha/vapor or wtvr that has anything to do with smoking. He has smoked in front of me before he likes me so I was like wow dude. Haha. So then after I said that, he stopped smoking. I was also surprised.

Then, I stalked him on twitter and I found out that he has a girlfriend. Later at school, my friend talked to him while he was sitting beside me. My friend asked about his girlfriend and he said they're not together anymore. After a few months, Hazeem confessed but in a playful way so I just take it as a joke. Suddenly, he told me he was serious. And I didn't know who to choose. Qayyum kept on asking me to give him a chance to make me happy. I thought about how Hazeem was so un-serious and Qayyum have waited for me since the day he confessed to me. So yeah, I chose Qayyum.

It's been 5 months and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm head-over-heels in love with him. Even though we always fight and almost broke up a lot of times, he still manage to lower his ego and try to fix us. I love him so much and he always make me happy. I'm grateful to meet such an amazing and loving guy like him, Alhamdulillah. I don't know what I will ever do without him.

x

Not-So-Secret Admirer

I found out someone likes me. And he's my classmate..

We used to be in the same class together when we were standard 6 but we weren't really that close at that time. At the beginning of this year, he and his friends like to tease me in class. We sit near each other so we talk a lot. He likes to kick my legs and he sometimes sulk because I didn't want to give him money. I had a very mini crush on him at that time because he was the only guy that always disturbed me at class.

There was this one time when our teacher gave us all some exercise books and it wasn't enough so some of us had to share so he came to me, sat next to me and we shared the book together. While we were doing some work, we talked. It felt weird to me but I kept calm haha. And then we kicked each other and stuff. After that, we sat next to each other and talked with one of my friends, Aisyah. We laughed a lot too.

On March, he gave me a piece of paper and asked for my phone number and I gave it to him. And then the March 1 week holiday started and we texted. After a few days, he suddenly confessed to me. He said he couldn't stop thinking about me. I was shocked and I didn't want it to happen. I didn't like it because everything would be awkward. And it did.

School started as normal. I went to school and such. I went into class and saw him, looking at me, smiling. I felt so shy. I couldn't stop laughing. I was always smiling at class. We texted everyday and there were a lot of fighting and such. He told me that he felt jealous whenever he sees me talking to other guys even though those guys were our classmates. We argued a lot but he'd say sorry and in the end, we'll be okay again.

Last 2 weeks, he decided to send me home. Which he did. We walked while talking and he sent me until we arrived on the 9th floor. We already sent me home a few times now. And there was this one time when we got in the lift and we arrived the 9th floor, I wanted to go out of the lift. But then, he stopped me by holding my right hand wrist. I was so shocked ((again, haha)) and speechless. And there was this other time when we were at the lobby and I wanted to go in but there were people inside so he pulled my bag pack because he wanted to be alone with me haha and then he said "bye sayang" to me when I got out of the lift.

THAT'S ALL BYE

25.3.2013

I hid my face because it was too ugly..

That guy over there; his name is Hazeem. He's the same age as me but he's freaking tall man like wtf lol. We've been really close since like end of 2012. We're not together. We're just really close friends. Sure, we call each other sayang, baby and whatnot but that's just that. I guess you could say, we're like "friends with benefits". We call each other a lot and talked about weird and random stuff.
I went to Tasnim's house and sleptover there. I told him and he got really excited to meet me and well I was really excited too. At first, we thought we couldn't meet today because of some reasons but yeah Alhamdulillah it happened anyway :-)
I waited for Tasnim to come back home from school because she got something to do. And then at 2 o' clock, we went outside and I told Hazeem to meet us at the park. Tasnim and I arrived the park and we rode the swings. It was a really hot day so it was kind of unenjoyable to go there but yeah whatevs. So we waited for him for a few minutes and then I saw him walking towards us and I got up from the swing and stood beside a pole and well I spun there because I felt so freaking awkward and I giggled a lot. He rode one of the swings and said "hi" and I just replied with "hi" and laughed a lot.
Tasnim got up and went to the slide while I just stood there, smiling like a weirdo. Hazeem got up and rode the swing beside me and Tasnim forced me to ride the swing beside him so I did. It. was. so. freaking. awkward. I just kept quiet. But then, the weather got hotter, Hazeem went to sit at the sitting place thing lol and I followed him.
I sat across him because I didn't know what to do. Then he said, "sit here" so I got up with a weird smile on my face and sat beside him but a little far from him. And so we talked about some stuff. It was a really awkward conversation because we both didn't know what to say. Then there were a lot of times when we both were really quiet and yeah we didn't say anything.
A few minutes later, Tasnim asked to go to BubbleBlog which we did go and awkwardly walking together. And so we arrived to the store and Hazeem ordered his drink and he sat on the chair. While Tasnim was ordering, I went to the table and sat on one of the chairs. Hazeem got up and switched to the other chair because he wanted to sit in front of me (lol) and he just looked at me. I was shy so I didn't look at him at all. And yes, we didn't say a word to each other at all.
Tasnim wanted to go back to the park and I said "let's go" to Hazeem but suddenly he said "go first" so I was like "ooookay..." so I went there with Tasnim with a feeling that Hazeem was annoyed/regretted seeing me. So as we were walking and wondering, I kept on looking back if he did got out of the store but no, he didn't. That made me feel bad. And then suddenly, I saw him. "Ohhh, thank god!" was all I could think of. But Tasnim and I were walking so fast, he couldn't catch up but we eventually met at the park and sat at the sitting place thing again haha.
Tasnim went to ride the swings so it was just me and Hazeem at that time. We talked, laughed and stuff. And then I said "just now you said you want a picture of us both" and he said "oh yes! Ask Tasnim to take it" so I did and yeah she did. It was a funny picture which I'd probably won't here or idk haha. And then there were a lot of times when I looked at him and he looked at me and we both felt weird so we looked the other way and laughed. It was... sweet? Haha kind of.
A few amazing minutes passed and it was already 3.20pm so Tasnim and I had to go back home. We walked together but that time Hazeem was really walking beside me. Like REALLY close. And there was a time when Tasnim was like pushing me to him and I asked her why and she said she wanted to make him fall so I said "go and fall down" to him while lifting my hand a bit and his hand was too so we touched and it felt like wow. And so we walked and walked and walked and then we arrived to Tasnim's house so it was time to say goodbye :-(
But then Hazeem said he wants another picture of us two, a proper one. Tasnim helped taking the picture (the one above) and so I said "bye" while smiling and waving my hand even though he was still beside me. And then he said, "bye sayang" while smiling and I giggled and hugged Tasnim because I was in shock haha like seriously! I was cool if it was through the phone but this.... was different. I still couldn't believe he said that in front of my ugly, oily, sweaty face. Gosh man srsly. Haha so yeah we got in and Hazeem walked home alone.
It was fun and I enjoyed today very much even though we didn't talk much but it was fun seeing him. For the first time. I can't say that I have feelings for him but I can't say that I don't too. I'm confused but yeah whatever. A lot of people has mistaken/teased us as a couple but we stayed cool and all. And just now when I performed my Maghrib prayers, I cried a little. I was so happy and surprised that it happened. I met him, face to face. I never thought it would be possible, never ever. I felt really thankful to Allah for letting it happen. I really do.
And so yeah, I guess today was one of my favorite day of 2013. I really hope that I get to see him again.
x

Old feelings come back

I miss him. I miss him a lot. I really thought that I've gotten over him completely but no, I was wrong. Well I think I did get over him but just for awhile. Just until the time when Hazeem called me and asked about him. When the phone call ended, I started to think about him again. And suddenly, I just realised that I really miss him. I miss talking to him, making jokes and having a great time together. I miss when he said he misses me and loves me. I miss a all of it. Is it normal to be obsessed with your ex? Haha, I don't think so. But I don't know, I can't do anything about it. Now I'm hooked again and I don't think I can ever get off. 

My friends have asked me, "you miss him, huh?" and I was shocked. Shocked and speechless. That was the time that I realised that I do miss him. I haven't thought about it for a long time. Now it's making me sad again. We haven't talked for 2 months and it's killing me. Hazeem have also asked me, "do you still want him back?" and I didn't know what to say. Do I really? I don't know. Maybe if we talked to each other again, then I'd know. But I don't think we will. He's just too egoistic to say a single "hi" to me and I'm too stupid to say it too. I guess I'm just wasting my time thinking about him. I should stop. But I can't. This is making me crazy. Or maybe being crazy is all that I need.

Timeout

Eiman and I have already broke up. Just after two days of being together. Surprising huh? Yup, sure is. I was really sad, but I didn't cry. I wanted to, but I just didn't do it.

He was the one who wanted to break up. He said he wants a "timeout", what ever that means. He said he wasn't ready for all this things. But he also said he still loves me, which made me so freaking confused. And we haven't talked to each other at all. I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss being crazy and annoying at him because he doesn't really care. I lost a friend. A really good friend.

I guess, it just wasn't meant to be. It's not something I can fix, probably. I wish we could be friends again though. I want to talk to him again. I want to meet him at Pavilion and force him to buy me cookies. Yes, I just want to be friends with him again, nothing else. I miss my friend.

I really regretted accepting him. I didn't know that we won't last long. I wish I didn't say "yes" to him. I'm so stupid.

x

Deaths and such

"Just because you're having a bad day, doesn't mean you have a bad life"

Sometimes, it's not just a bad "day", sometimes it can be weeks or months or at least once a week people have bad days. And those bad days are not necessarily just "bad", sometimes it's worst than that. And that's when people think of suicide. People like me, yes. We can't help it. We can't just throw the feeling away. I, for one, have always thought about it. I've never gotten close to it like cutting my wrists or attempted jumping of a building. But I have thought about it.

The feeling never really goes away. It sticks. Once you've thought about it once, you'll think about loads of times when you're having those bad days. I've gone through those dark moments when I cried so terribly until I couldn't stop myself. It was depressing. I really felt like I'd rather die than live another minute of that day... but I never really tried to kill myself.

Committing suicide is not good. And it's also a big sin, considering that I'm muslim. Even if it wasn't a sin, I probably wouldn't even try to do it. I don't know, I guess I'm more scared of death. And yeah, that's a good thing. It's like a really big wall that's protecting me. But it doesn't stop me from wanting to die so badly. For instance, when I'm crossing the street, and a car suddenly went straight to me, I'm not really sure if I would want to move away from it.

Sometimes, whenever my mom is screaming at me, I wished that I would pass out at that second and go into a coma or something. And sometimes I think that I'd rather be hurt physically than mentally. Because bruises will heal, that's what medicines are made for. But there's no medicine for a scarred heart.

I've thought of taking counseling classes so that I don't turn into a bad person. But then again, I wouldn't want anybody to know about my life and how I see it through my eyes. No one really knows nor understands. Like the time when I cried in front of my mom because she screamed too many times at me until I couldn't take it anymore. My eyes got watery and then tears came streaming down my face. A lot. I didn't like it. I didn't want her to see, for some reason. But yeah, she still screamed at me even though I was really hurt at that time. And that made me even more sad.

But that's just me. I don't know about anyone else but yeah, that's me. I admit, I always think about suicide. It's just something I can't stop from thinking about. Don't be like me, it's not a good thing. You have to always be positive and pray a lot. Again, SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER.

MMF.

Page 1 of 365, chapter 2013.

It's that time of the year again. Yes, New Years! Another year for us to go through all over again. Getting older, too. Life doesn't get any easier, full of challenges along the way. 2012 was full of ups and downs, tears and laughter, frowns and smiles and much more.

But of course, I do miss it. I miss the memories I had with my friends and family. I miss the time when I had fun and laughed till I fell down from my chair. Now, it's kind of impossible for me to "have fun" because I'm having a very big test on October, this year. I have to study a lot, more things to remember, plus I need a lot of time to study! It just makes it all seem so very boring. And also the fact that I went down 1 class because I failed my history test.

My mom got mad, of course. Puteri went up 1 class and my other friends stayed in the same class so my mom kept on asking, "Don't you feel embarrassed?". Well of course I do! Gosh, 2013 just started and I already feel depressed and frustrated. But I'm glad that I'm improving, bit by bit. I've started studying because I'm terrified.

And also, I'm that forever alone girl who sits by herself, silent and says nothing at class. I know all my classmates but they don't really care much to even get close to me. Yes, some of them do sometimes say "hi" or "Have you finished yesterday's homework?" but yeah, just that. Nothing else. I felt so lonely and whenever I needed help to do something, I have no one to turn to. It's very saddening.

So, I guess that's also for today. Haha. Oh and, HAPPY NEW YEARS! May you all be blessed and have a wonderful year. Let's make the best of it.

MMF.