"You'll make new friends when you enter college"
"School friends don't last forever"
"You're pretty, so it's easy for you to make friends"
These are the things that I always hear from so many people. They're not entirely wrong, but they're not completely right either. I didn't like hearing these things and not because I know some of them are right, but because I tried so hard not to believe in it. I blocked this mindset, I psycho-ed myself to become better than them. So that I wouldn't get easily manipulated or brainwashed.
All my life, I've gone through so many partings. My family and I have moved a lot for the past few years because of money problem but now it's settled. I got used to the idea of meeting new people every few years. But slowly, it changed me. I was once a talkative kid but turned into a quiet and shy, introverted person. I've realised that this is the real world, nothing can change it.
I also psycho-ed myself to make friends with almost everyone at school. I didn't care about popularity, class, age barrier, or things like that. Especially class though. I saw that people from the upper classes rarely become friends with the people who were in the lower classes. And also vice versa. I, on the other hand, are friends with all types of people. And many of them were shocked to see that because I was in the second class but at the same time are very close friends with people who are in the lower classes. I don't know how I did it but, it was fun.
I had many friends but at the same time not so many too. It's kind of complicated. It's like, most of them are just schoolmates, not friends. I was always alone if some of my close friends were absent. It's been like that for so many years. Even in primary school, I always ate alone during recess. I didn't mind though but it seemed quite nice to have friends by my side if it were at that time. Nonetheless, things have changed. And also, I have changed.
I didn't depend too much on people but the people who 'advised' me though that I did. But, really, I don't. I'm perfectly fine with being alone because I know these things will happen one day. It's bound to. Way of life, I guess?
The part when some people said that I'm 'pretty' so I 'make friends easily', makes me feel offended. Firstly, I'm not pretty, and I do fcking not make friends easily. It took me a few years to finally genuinely become friends with them. And it offends me when people see it as an easy thing to do when I worked so hard for people to like me. Gosh, I feel like throwing a car at them, literally. (see how people's opinion about me affects me so much? Yeah, it's a bad habit)
Secondly, they make it as if the friendship I have with all my friends are just based on appearance. It's like, "oh I think they're friends with you just because you're pretty, nothing else, just that. you're uninteresting so you're face is important, your personality is not" and blablabla. It's a narrow-minded way of thinking about it. I can't stand it, at all.
I have never made friends "easily". I'm not like my mom nor my siblings. I'm friendly, but to truly consider someone as a friend took me years to do. I won't tolerate people who see it negatively. They don't know me. I show people some things, but there are so many other things that I hide from them. Because whenever I show more than I usually did, they'd start to back off a bit. So now, I know how to do things my way. I don't need people making me stop all this. I don't need it.
I've decided that I won't let what others say about me change the way I act or the way I think. I've psycho-ed myself enough and I've built a wall inside myself so that people wouldn't get to me easily. Now, I'll make sure to make so many friends, even if they only acted nice in front of me but badmouth me behind my back, I don't care. Because in the end, things will go well. And I know I'll be alone but I want to enjoy being accompanied by the people that I care about before I completely disappear. Till then, let's enjoy the show.
I am so weird
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