Random Stuff

Lately, I've been getting a lot of weird dreams. Most of them involving me having a boyfriend haha! I don't really care being single for a long time and all. It doesn't bother me that much until I feel like I have to be in a relationship all the time like it's a need and not a want. I always see that nowadays, like people changing partners in a blink of an eye or having crushes on popular people just for fame or some other situations that are similar to them. I don't hate these kind of people but I don't particularly like them either.

Ok, back to the main topic! These dreams I've been having are weird to me because it's like so funny. I guess I do feel lonely without realizing it until I dream about boyfriends and such. They were great dreams though, but dreams are just dreams.

I don't know, maybe being single for almost 2 years (wow) now have affected me a bit more than I thought it would. It's not really a bad thing but sometimes it does get pretty lonely when my friends are all busy with their own lives and all. Or when I go out to a shopping mall and walk around alone with guys staring at me and smiling and saying weird things to me, that's when I really wish that I had a boyfriend to protect me from them. Yeah, just a protector. Lol.

Few Things About Me

I've been thinking a lot lately.. Well, I always do that but as I'm getting older, my mind kind of changes. I guess it's the side-effect of going to be 18 years old this year. I have never acted my age, I was always a kid at heart. Even one of my 16-year-old cousin says that. But, at the end of the day, all the fun things must come to an end, huh?

Well that was a good intro, wasn't it? Haha! Hello, there :) It looks like it's another post about me. First of all, I'm very complicated. And egoistic. And stubborn too. I've grown very defensive, somehow. Before this, I never really cared what people said to me, I would just shut my mouth and go away. But now, I guess I've had enough. I've grown tired and sick of these things. I fight back when people push me down. It's either I get back up, or I drag them down with me. It's devious, I know. Sorry.

People would advice me to just stay calm, ignore them and just be patient because they will get what they deserve one day. But it's hard, you see, because I'm not like that. I'm not THAT good of a person. I won't stay down. I'd feel weak and stupid if I did. But. no one ever sees that. They expect me to be how they want me to be. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but then again, I'm not.

So, all bad things aside, I don't think I'll ever get married. (escalated quickly, am I right?) lol. I don't know, I just think that. At first, I was only joking around with my friends because I knew that they'd respond with "You'll get married, of course" or "Allah SWT made us in pairs for a reason" or "Don't be stupid, that's not true" and stuff like that. Yeah, I'm smart like that hehe. But somehow it backfired and I psycho-ed myself by thinking that it's true and it's not a joke anymore.

Awkward

Sometimes, I have these insecure, awkward moments whenever I'm at a shopping mall at KL or in public or whatever and I don't really expect to meet anyone I know at those places because those things happen only once in a blue moon (but it has happened before but that's for another post lol) but when it does suddenly happen more than 'once in a blue moon', I'll suddenly freak out and run away.

It has happened countless times and the people that I met notice me and saw me running away which is very funny. Not embarrassing to me because I don't really want to talk to them but it was just funny. Most of the time, I was already too late to run away so I tried to hide my face but we were too close for them to not notice me at all. The hardest part of it all is having a non-awkward 'normal' conversation with them as if we just met there and then.

I have tried to not be awkward in front of people but I fail.. every time. That's why I prefer running away rather than dealing and getting anxious and nervous over acting normal in front of these people like I'm not about to get a heart attack in the middle of our conversation. I know, I know.. it's weird.

Friends

"Friends aren't important"
"You'll make new friends when you enter college"
"School friends don't last forever"
"You're pretty, so it's easy for you to make friends"

These are the things that I always hear from so many people. They're not entirely wrong, but they're not completely right either. I didn't like hearing these things and not because I know some of them are right, but because I tried so hard not to believe in it. I blocked this mindset, I psycho-ed myself to become better than them. So that I wouldn't get easily manipulated or brainwashed.

All my life, I've gone through so many partings. My family and I have moved a lot for the past few years because of money problem but now it's settled. I got used to the idea of meeting new people every few years. But slowly, it changed me. I was once a talkative kid but turned into a quiet and shy, introverted person. I've realised that this is the real world, nothing can change it.

I also psycho-ed myself to make friends with almost everyone at school. I didn't care about popularity, class, age barrier, or things like that. Especially class though. I saw that people from the upper classes rarely become friends with the people who were in the lower classes. And also vice versa. I, on the other hand, are friends with all types of people. And many of them were shocked to see that because I was in the second class but at the same time are very close friends with people who are in the lower classes. I don't know how I did it but, it was fun.

The Usual

I'm sorry to all my readers if you ever get tired of me writing saddening posts 90% of the time. I seriously can't help it lol I guess this is what happens when you only write one entry in the past year. I still find it funny and it was just a short paragraph lol what the hell? I dunno dude

Well, as most of you would know, 2014 was a really bad year for me. Everything was basically falling apart and believe me, I wanted to disappear so so much. Well firstly, I know other people have it hard and much worse than me but, you know.. oh gosh, I feel bad now. Urgh, I'm so complicated, I even confuse myself!

The starting of 2014 was okay but then some girls in my school started to dislike me because I always tweet a lot but quiet in real life (I talk a lot actually just not in front of them because I'm cool like that) haha but really though. They started to provoke me on twitter but indirectly. They even bashed me on ask.fm anonymously but I know it was them. It was just too obvious. They were really hypocritical since they said I was a coward but at the same time being anonymous. It was funny, I lolled.

All that, and also I broke up with "him". Things got rough and yeah. He wasn't helping at all with making me move on easily or anything because he kept on coming back but at the same time flirted with other girls. The girls who didn't like me were his classmates so they were very (and I mean, very) happy to hear the news about our breakup.

Fun Fact (Sort Of)

I am the third child of my dad, Mohd Firdaus and my mom, Fatimah. I am the youngest among my siblings which is my sister, Najihah and my brother, Nabil. But somehow, I am very different from them. Well, I guess that's because I'm their half-sister (same mom, different dad)

It amazes me to see my two half-siblings who are an absolute extrovert, out-going and friendly towards other people all my life. They've been like that since I could even remember. I, on the other hand, am not like them. At all.

When I was a kid, I was a very talkative child. I didn't know how to shut up and I kept on making random friends from basically everywhere. I was brave and didn't care if some of my friends didn't like me or left me for their new friends and all that. I didn't have low self-esteem issues like I do now. Sometimes, I would get anxiety attacks just because some random dude said 'Hi' to me or if I had to talk to a teacher about something and much much more.

I'm not sure how or why I started to change 360 degree. It's weird to think about it though. Puberty, I guess? I seriously don't know and it's very frustrating.

Lone Wolf

I have decided to write the whole post first before writing the title since it always has nothing to do with anything that I talk about so here it goes

I have always felt quite lonely. Not all the time but, mostly. I'm not alone, I have a lot of friends (sort of) and all but when it comes the time when we get together at an event organised by the school, I know I'd be the one left out. It has always been like that. I realised that numerous times and it kind of makes me sad.

I'm fine with being alone, I truly am. I don't depend much on people, I sometimes go out to the shopping mall and walk around alone while everyone else is with a partner or with a group. I don't feel sad when I walk alone but I do hope for someone to suddenly go to me and offer to accompany me just because. It would make me feel so happy and appreciated. But instead, nobody gives a damn.

I still remember the time when I was at school (oh yeah, I've graduated from high school, lol) during recess, everyone was with their group, eating, laughing, talking to each other and all that. I'm always with my bestfriend, Sabrina. Oh and, I do have a lot of bestfriends whom I talk to about almost everything. But, at school it's different. I mean, I know everyone, and they know me. We've talked to each other a few times and sometimes they would say 'hi' to me whenever we pass by each other. But, as the days go by, it just suddenly stops. Everyone just mind their own business and practically forgot I even existed.

There were quite a few times when I would walk alone to the canteen to buy food, each time I thought that they would actually look at me and have a conversation with me like old times but, it never happened. Until school ended. We just didn't talk to each other anymore.

Random Stuff

I'm not 100% sure if I'll stay on topic this time but, anything can happen, right? LET'S DO THIS!

Assalamualaikum dan salam sejahtera. I just finished deleting some weird ass old posts of mine just now. When I read it, I felt like hitting myself on the head, or basically just go back in time and punch myself in the face. It was THAT embarrassing. I wonder how many people have read them? Gosh.. kill me now please.

I have been reading a lot of mangas lately.. (as most of you all may now, I don't have a life) and this is the first time I've actually binge-reading them. Like seriously, a lot! Until I'm not even sure which story is which now. I might as well have to reread them whenever they're updated since I'm confused which characters are in which stories. But, it still made me laugh out loud though. I've never experienced this.. I think. I'm not quite sure.

Well, looks like I'm stuck at home. Being lifeless. As if it's not even a real holiday. Sigh. This is frustrating, you see, as SPM results are coming March the 3rd. I want to have fun before I get depressed because I know my results won't be so good. I imagine myself locking myself in my room, all gloomy and sad. I want to enjoy this curiosity of mine, before everything changes.