I've been thinking a lot lately.. Well, I always do that but as I'm getting older, my mind kind of changes. I guess it's the side-effect of going to be 18 years old this year. I have never acted my age, I was always a kid at heart. Even one of my 16-year-old cousin says that. But, at the end of the day, all the fun things must come to an end, huh?
Well that was a good intro, wasn't it? Haha! Hello, there :) It looks like it's another post about me. First of all, I'm very complicated. And egoistic. And stubborn too. I've grown very defensive, somehow. Before this, I never really cared what people said to me, I would just shut my mouth and go away. But now, I guess I've had enough. I've grown tired and sick of these things. I fight back when people push me down. It's either I get back up, or I drag them down with me. It's devious, I know. Sorry.
People would advice me to just stay calm, ignore them and just be patient because they will get what they deserve one day. But it's hard, you see, because I'm not like that. I'm not THAT good of a person. I won't stay down. I'd feel weak and stupid if I did. But. no one ever sees that. They expect me to be how they want me to be. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but then again, I'm not.
So, all bad things aside, I don't think I'll ever get married. (escalated quickly, am I right?) lol. I don't know, I just think that. At first, I was only joking around with my friends because I knew that they'd respond with "You'll get married, of course" or "Allah SWT made us in pairs for a reason" or "Don't be stupid, that's not true" and stuff like that. Yeah, I'm smart like that hehe. But somehow it backfired and I psycho-ed myself by thinking that it's true and it's not a joke anymore.
I think that's a good thing since I don't expect much from getting a boyfriend, let alone getting married. I'm hard to get. I don't play or act like I am, I just am. I don't accept people that easily since I've been through a lot and I wouldn't want anyone or anything to ruin the happiness I feel right now. I don't want to go back to the 2014 me so I sacrificed the feeling of 'love' (ew) towards anyone.
I don't deserve my parents. This is a very touchy topic but, what the heck. I mean, they've done so much for me. And, I'm a very troublesome child. Well, I'm not one of those bad kids going around wasting my parents' money, going back home late or whatnot, I follow their rules and I try to be as good as possible but I still think that I don't deserve them. I didn't even study that much for the big exam I had last year and I'm so scared right now because the results are coming next week. I'm scared to see their expressions because I know they expect a lot from me.
I get sad easily over trivial things. I know that's why many people can't handle me. I try my best to lower it down, to change and be a good person. I don't know how to deal with things when people just simply ignore my texts and all. I feel so unappreciated. That has been going on for so many times now and I try to act like I don't mind and they're probably busy or whatever but sometimes when I see them tweeting instead of replying me, I get sad and frustrated. It's not a big deal but I don't like it.
As I've said before, I'm a very stubborn person. Once I say that I don't want to do a certain thing, that means I won't do it even though people ask me so many times to do it. Even if it's my friends or someone that I'm close with, I'll just fake a smile, act as if I'm okay with it and make an excuse and all but really, in my mind, I feel like exploding. I don't like it when people treat me like a kid, like I'm stupid. I know how to handle myself more than anyone else. It makes me so mad when people think that they know me 100% when in reality, we've only had a few conversations on whatsapp. lol.
I guess that's all for today. I still have a lot of things to write but whatever lol have a nice day, strangers! x
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