Eiman and I have already broke up. Just after two days of being together. Surprising huh? Yup, sure is. I was really sad, but I didn't cry. I wanted to, but I just didn't do it.
He was the one who wanted to break up. He said he wants a "timeout", what ever that means. He said he wasn't ready for all this things. But he also said he still loves me, which made me so freaking confused. And we haven't talked to each other at all. I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss being crazy and annoying at him because he doesn't really care. I lost a friend. A really good friend.
I guess, it just wasn't meant to be. It's not something I can fix, probably. I wish we could be friends again though. I want to talk to him again. I want to meet him at Pavilion and force him to buy me cookies. Yes, I just want to be friends with him again, nothing else. I miss my friend.
I really regretted accepting him. I didn't know that we won't last long. I wish I didn't say "yes" to him. I'm so stupid.
x
January 4, 2013
Deaths and such
"Just because you're having a bad day, doesn't mean you have a bad life"
Sometimes, it's not just a bad "day", sometimes it can be weeks or months or at least once a week people have bad days. And those bad days are not necessarily just "bad", sometimes it's worst than that. And that's when people think of suicide. People like me, yes. We can't help it. We can't just throw the feeling away. I, for one, have always thought about it. I've never gotten close to it like cutting my wrists or attempted jumping of a building. But I have thought about it.
The feeling never really goes away. It sticks. Once you've thought about it once, you'll think about loads of times when you're having those bad days. I've gone through those dark moments when I cried so terribly until I couldn't stop myself. It was depressing. I really felt like I'd rather die than live another minute of that day... but I never really tried to kill myself.
Committing suicide is not good. And it's also a big sin, considering that I'm muslim. Even if it wasn't a sin, I probably wouldn't even try to do it. I don't know, I guess I'm more scared of death. And yeah, that's a good thing. It's like a really big wall that's protecting me. But it doesn't stop me from wanting to die so badly. For instance, when I'm crossing the street, and a car suddenly went straight to me, I'm not really sure if I would want to move away from it.
Sometimes, whenever my mom is screaming at me, I wished that I would pass out at that second and go into a coma or something. And sometimes I think that I'd rather be hurt physically than mentally. Because bruises will heal, that's what medicines are made for. But there's no medicine for a scarred heart.
I've thought of taking counseling classes so that I don't turn into a bad person. But then again, I wouldn't want anybody to know about my life and how I see it through my eyes. No one really knows nor understands. Like the time when I cried in front of my mom because she screamed too many times at me until I couldn't take it anymore. My eyes got watery and then tears came streaming down my face. A lot. I didn't like it. I didn't want her to see, for some reason. But yeah, she still screamed at me even though I was really hurt at that time. And that made me even more sad.
But that's just me. I don't know about anyone else but yeah, that's me. I admit, I always think about suicide. It's just something I can't stop from thinking about. Don't be like me, it's not a good thing. You have to always be positive and pray a lot. Again, SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER.
Sometimes, it's not just a bad "day", sometimes it can be weeks or months or at least once a week people have bad days. And those bad days are not necessarily just "bad", sometimes it's worst than that. And that's when people think of suicide. People like me, yes. We can't help it. We can't just throw the feeling away. I, for one, have always thought about it. I've never gotten close to it like cutting my wrists or attempted jumping of a building. But I have thought about it.
The feeling never really goes away. It sticks. Once you've thought about it once, you'll think about loads of times when you're having those bad days. I've gone through those dark moments when I cried so terribly until I couldn't stop myself. It was depressing. I really felt like I'd rather die than live another minute of that day... but I never really tried to kill myself.
Committing suicide is not good. And it's also a big sin, considering that I'm muslim. Even if it wasn't a sin, I probably wouldn't even try to do it. I don't know, I guess I'm more scared of death. And yeah, that's a good thing. It's like a really big wall that's protecting me. But it doesn't stop me from wanting to die so badly. For instance, when I'm crossing the street, and a car suddenly went straight to me, I'm not really sure if I would want to move away from it.
Sometimes, whenever my mom is screaming at me, I wished that I would pass out at that second and go into a coma or something. And sometimes I think that I'd rather be hurt physically than mentally. Because bruises will heal, that's what medicines are made for. But there's no medicine for a scarred heart.
I've thought of taking counseling classes so that I don't turn into a bad person. But then again, I wouldn't want anybody to know about my life and how I see it through my eyes. No one really knows nor understands. Like the time when I cried in front of my mom because she screamed too many times at me until I couldn't take it anymore. My eyes got watery and then tears came streaming down my face. A lot. I didn't like it. I didn't want her to see, for some reason. But yeah, she still screamed at me even though I was really hurt at that time. And that made me even more sad.
But that's just me. I don't know about anyone else but yeah, that's me. I admit, I always think about suicide. It's just something I can't stop from thinking about. Don't be like me, it's not a good thing. You have to always be positive and pray a lot. Again, SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER.
MMF.
January 1, 2013
Page 1 of 365, chapter 2013.
It's that time of the year again. Yes, New Years! Another year for us to go through all over again. Getting older, too. Life doesn't get any easier, full of challenges along the way. 2012 was full of ups and downs, tears and laughter, frowns and smiles and much more.
But of course, I do miss it. I miss the memories I had with my friends and family. I miss the time when I had fun and laughed till I fell down from my chair. Now, it's kind of impossible for me to "have fun" because I'm having a very big test on October, this year. I have to study a lot, more things to remember, plus I need a lot of time to study! It just makes it all seem so very boring. And also the fact that I went down 1 class because I failed my history test.
My mom got mad, of course. Puteri went up 1 class and my other friends stayed in the same class so my mom kept on asking, "Don't you feel embarrassed?". Well of course I do! Gosh, 2013 just started and I already feel depressed and frustrated. But I'm glad that I'm improving, bit by bit. I've started studying because I'm terrified.
And also, I'm that forever alone girl who sits by herself, silent and says nothing at class. I know all my classmates but they don't really care much to even get close to me. Yes, some of them do sometimes say "hi" or "Have you finished yesterday's homework?" but yeah, just that. Nothing else. I felt so lonely and whenever I needed help to do something, I have no one to turn to. It's very saddening.
So, I guess that's also for today. Haha. Oh and, HAPPY NEW YEARS! May you all be blessed and have a wonderful year. Let's make the best of it.
But of course, I do miss it. I miss the memories I had with my friends and family. I miss the time when I had fun and laughed till I fell down from my chair. Now, it's kind of impossible for me to "have fun" because I'm having a very big test on October, this year. I have to study a lot, more things to remember, plus I need a lot of time to study! It just makes it all seem so very boring. And also the fact that I went down 1 class because I failed my history test.
My mom got mad, of course. Puteri went up 1 class and my other friends stayed in the same class so my mom kept on asking, "Don't you feel embarrassed?". Well of course I do! Gosh, 2013 just started and I already feel depressed and frustrated. But I'm glad that I'm improving, bit by bit. I've started studying because I'm terrified.
And also, I'm that forever alone girl who sits by herself, silent and says nothing at class. I know all my classmates but they don't really care much to even get close to me. Yes, some of them do sometimes say "hi" or "Have you finished yesterday's homework?" but yeah, just that. Nothing else. I felt so lonely and whenever I needed help to do something, I have no one to turn to. It's very saddening.
So, I guess that's also for today. Haha. Oh and, HAPPY NEW YEARS! May you all be blessed and have a wonderful year. Let's make the best of it.
MMF.
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