Life Update

Hi, readers..? I've been gone since god knows when lol. I just entered university at utmkl a few months ago, currently taking Mechatronic course. Most people do not know what in the world is that so I suggest you google it if you don't know. It basically has something to do with robots, which all of you may already know, I love.

Things have been really hectic, I've never been this stressed out in my entire life. Sure, I look so happy and enjoying everything and whatnot, I actually do but deep inside me, there's this something, ya know? Like, I keep on thinking "no, I should be studying" or "what the hell am I doing?" or "this is no time for fun and games" and it's making me have a headache.

There's this one subject that is very hard for me to score. I seem to understand the concept and all but when on paper, I go blank. I entered utmkl a week late and I know that shouldn't be an excuse but still. Or maybe I'm just too dumb? Because most of my classmates have no trouble doing all the exercises.

I seriously don't know what to do and how to stop being so lazy. When I see my classmates studying together, I start to feel this uneasiness in my head. I want to join them, but I never had the courage to actually do. They're alright and all but we're not in the same gang, ya know? They have their own group and I'm with my other friends most of the time because I came in later than them.

Physical Condition

Most people might not know this but even though I live a somewhat 'perfect' life (well not really perfect but Alhamdulillah I'm blessed with so much love and other things), I have a lot of non-perfect things about me too. It's not really a big deal or life-threatening but as my mom once said, raising me is like raising 10 children.

Like everyone else, I too, have problems. One of them being scoliosis. It's a medical condition where your backbone isn't exactly 180 degree straight like it should be. Mine is kind of an 'S' shape. If you don't get it since I suck at explaining things, just google it. Scoliosis, that's it. It's not that serious since I found out about it at an early age and managed to do physiotherapy. It won't become completely straight, it's still a bit crooked but the physiotherapy prevents it from making my right lung squeezed and crushed, making me lose my breath and probably die but Alhamdulillah, that won't happen as long as I continue lifting weight for my backbone and doing much much more painful exercises for it.

Every time I go there, it feels like hell. Seriously. The exercises and lifting weights become more and more painful as the years go by. I don't know when it would finally stop but yeah, my parents would still have to pay for the expenses till then. But, the doctors did say that when I grow up, I'd feel discomfort and a little pain on my backbone since it's not straight. Also, if I were to become pregnant, it would also be much more painful than usual. Hooray..!

Random Stuff

Lately, I've been getting a lot of weird dreams. Most of them involving me having a boyfriend haha! I don't really care being single for a long time and all. It doesn't bother me that much until I feel like I have to be in a relationship all the time like it's a need and not a want. I always see that nowadays, like people changing partners in a blink of an eye or having crushes on popular people just for fame or some other situations that are similar to them. I don't hate these kind of people but I don't particularly like them either.

Ok, back to the main topic! These dreams I've been having are weird to me because it's like so funny. I guess I do feel lonely without realizing it until I dream about boyfriends and such. They were great dreams though, but dreams are just dreams.

I don't know, maybe being single for almost 2 years (wow) now have affected me a bit more than I thought it would. It's not really a bad thing but sometimes it does get pretty lonely when my friends are all busy with their own lives and all. Or when I go out to a shopping mall and walk around alone with guys staring at me and smiling and saying weird things to me, that's when I really wish that I had a boyfriend to protect me from them. Yeah, just a protector. Lol.

Few Things About Me

I've been thinking a lot lately.. Well, I always do that but as I'm getting older, my mind kind of changes. I guess it's the side-effect of going to be 18 years old this year. I have never acted my age, I was always a kid at heart. Even one of my 16-year-old cousin says that. But, at the end of the day, all the fun things must come to an end, huh?

Well that was a good intro, wasn't it? Haha! Hello, there :) It looks like it's another post about me. First of all, I'm very complicated. And egoistic. And stubborn too. I've grown very defensive, somehow. Before this, I never really cared what people said to me, I would just shut my mouth and go away. But now, I guess I've had enough. I've grown tired and sick of these things. I fight back when people push me down. It's either I get back up, or I drag them down with me. It's devious, I know. Sorry.

People would advice me to just stay calm, ignore them and just be patient because they will get what they deserve one day. But it's hard, you see, because I'm not like that. I'm not THAT good of a person. I won't stay down. I'd feel weak and stupid if I did. But. no one ever sees that. They expect me to be how they want me to be. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but then again, I'm not.

So, all bad things aside, I don't think I'll ever get married. (escalated quickly, am I right?) lol. I don't know, I just think that. At first, I was only joking around with my friends because I knew that they'd respond with "You'll get married, of course" or "Allah SWT made us in pairs for a reason" or "Don't be stupid, that's not true" and stuff like that. Yeah, I'm smart like that hehe. But somehow it backfired and I psycho-ed myself by thinking that it's true and it's not a joke anymore.

Awkward

Sometimes, I have these insecure, awkward moments whenever I'm at a shopping mall at KL or in public or whatever and I don't really expect to meet anyone I know at those places because those things happen only once in a blue moon (but it has happened before but that's for another post lol) but when it does suddenly happen more than 'once in a blue moon', I'll suddenly freak out and run away.

It has happened countless times and the people that I met notice me and saw me running away which is very funny. Not embarrassing to me because I don't really want to talk to them but it was just funny. Most of the time, I was already too late to run away so I tried to hide my face but we were too close for them to not notice me at all. The hardest part of it all is having a non-awkward 'normal' conversation with them as if we just met there and then.

I have tried to not be awkward in front of people but I fail.. every time. That's why I prefer running away rather than dealing and getting anxious and nervous over acting normal in front of these people like I'm not about to get a heart attack in the middle of our conversation. I know, I know.. it's weird.

Friends

"Friends aren't important"
"You'll make new friends when you enter college"
"School friends don't last forever"
"You're pretty, so it's easy for you to make friends"

These are the things that I always hear from so many people. They're not entirely wrong, but they're not completely right either. I didn't like hearing these things and not because I know some of them are right, but because I tried so hard not to believe in it. I blocked this mindset, I psycho-ed myself to become better than them. So that I wouldn't get easily manipulated or brainwashed.

All my life, I've gone through so many partings. My family and I have moved a lot for the past few years because of money problem but now it's settled. I got used to the idea of meeting new people every few years. But slowly, it changed me. I was once a talkative kid but turned into a quiet and shy, introverted person. I've realised that this is the real world, nothing can change it.

I also psycho-ed myself to make friends with almost everyone at school. I didn't care about popularity, class, age barrier, or things like that. Especially class though. I saw that people from the upper classes rarely become friends with the people who were in the lower classes. And also vice versa. I, on the other hand, are friends with all types of people. And many of them were shocked to see that because I was in the second class but at the same time are very close friends with people who are in the lower classes. I don't know how I did it but, it was fun.

The Usual

I'm sorry to all my readers if you ever get tired of me writing saddening posts 90% of the time. I seriously can't help it lol I guess this is what happens when you only write one entry in the past year. I still find it funny and it was just a short paragraph lol what the hell? I dunno dude

Well, as most of you would know, 2014 was a really bad year for me. Everything was basically falling apart and believe me, I wanted to disappear so so much. Well firstly, I know other people have it hard and much worse than me but, you know.. oh gosh, I feel bad now. Urgh, I'm so complicated, I even confuse myself!

The starting of 2014 was okay but then some girls in my school started to dislike me because I always tweet a lot but quiet in real life (I talk a lot actually just not in front of them because I'm cool like that) haha but really though. They started to provoke me on twitter but indirectly. They even bashed me on ask.fm anonymously but I know it was them. It was just too obvious. They were really hypocritical since they said I was a coward but at the same time being anonymous. It was funny, I lolled.

All that, and also I broke up with "him". Things got rough and yeah. He wasn't helping at all with making me move on easily or anything because he kept on coming back but at the same time flirted with other girls. The girls who didn't like me were his classmates so they were very (and I mean, very) happy to hear the news about our breakup.

Fun Fact (Sort Of)

I am the third child of my dad, Mohd Firdaus and my mom, Fatimah. I am the youngest among my siblings which is my sister, Najihah and my brother, Nabil. But somehow, I am very different from them. Well, I guess that's because I'm their half-sister (same mom, different dad)

It amazes me to see my two half-siblings who are an absolute extrovert, out-going and friendly towards other people all my life. They've been like that since I could even remember. I, on the other hand, am not like them. At all.

When I was a kid, I was a very talkative child. I didn't know how to shut up and I kept on making random friends from basically everywhere. I was brave and didn't care if some of my friends didn't like me or left me for their new friends and all that. I didn't have low self-esteem issues like I do now. Sometimes, I would get anxiety attacks just because some random dude said 'Hi' to me or if I had to talk to a teacher about something and much much more.

I'm not sure how or why I started to change 360 degree. It's weird to think about it though. Puberty, I guess? I seriously don't know and it's very frustrating.

Lone Wolf

I have decided to write the whole post first before writing the title since it always has nothing to do with anything that I talk about so here it goes

I have always felt quite lonely. Not all the time but, mostly. I'm not alone, I have a lot of friends (sort of) and all but when it comes the time when we get together at an event organised by the school, I know I'd be the one left out. It has always been like that. I realised that numerous times and it kind of makes me sad.

I'm fine with being alone, I truly am. I don't depend much on people, I sometimes go out to the shopping mall and walk around alone while everyone else is with a partner or with a group. I don't feel sad when I walk alone but I do hope for someone to suddenly go to me and offer to accompany me just because. It would make me feel so happy and appreciated. But instead, nobody gives a damn.

I still remember the time when I was at school (oh yeah, I've graduated from high school, lol) during recess, everyone was with their group, eating, laughing, talking to each other and all that. I'm always with my bestfriend, Sabrina. Oh and, I do have a lot of bestfriends whom I talk to about almost everything. But, at school it's different. I mean, I know everyone, and they know me. We've talked to each other a few times and sometimes they would say 'hi' to me whenever we pass by each other. But, as the days go by, it just suddenly stops. Everyone just mind their own business and practically forgot I even existed.

There were quite a few times when I would walk alone to the canteen to buy food, each time I thought that they would actually look at me and have a conversation with me like old times but, it never happened. Until school ended. We just didn't talk to each other anymore.

Random Stuff

I'm not 100% sure if I'll stay on topic this time but, anything can happen, right? LET'S DO THIS!

Assalamualaikum dan salam sejahtera. I just finished deleting some weird ass old posts of mine just now. When I read it, I felt like hitting myself on the head, or basically just go back in time and punch myself in the face. It was THAT embarrassing. I wonder how many people have read them? Gosh.. kill me now please.

I have been reading a lot of mangas lately.. (as most of you all may now, I don't have a life) and this is the first time I've actually binge-reading them. Like seriously, a lot! Until I'm not even sure which story is which now. I might as well have to reread them whenever they're updated since I'm confused which characters are in which stories. But, it still made me laugh out loud though. I've never experienced this.. I think. I'm not quite sure.

Well, looks like I'm stuck at home. Being lifeless. As if it's not even a real holiday. Sigh. This is frustrating, you see, as SPM results are coming March the 3rd. I want to have fun before I get depressed because I know my results won't be so good. I imagine myself locking myself in my room, all gloomy and sad. I want to enjoy this curiosity of mine, before everything changes. 

The Back Story Of "SUZUKI SOHMA"

Mutsuki and Sawa!!

The photo above has nothing to do with what I'm about to talk about now haha I just thought it looked cute.

The reason why I like the name 'Suzuki Sohma' so much is because.. I don't know, I just liked it. Well, at first I though of it as just a plain name that I find interesting when I read a manga entitled, V.B Rose. One of the characters was named Suzuki and I instantly liked the name. And then I added Sohma at the end because I love the Sohmas of Fruits Basket so so much.

I started to get attached with that name when I stumbled upon an Anime website (sadly, I forgot what it was) that had a chatroom or some sort at the bottom of the main page. My username was Suzukisohma and then I made friends with a bunch of people from all over the world there. They were really nice to me but some of them were.. weird.

They nicknamed me 'Suzu-chan' and it was so cute! After a few months, the name had a special place in my heart. Even on gaiaonline, my username is Suzukisohma. I'm like a mild otaku kind of girl lol.

Thus, the forgotten Suzuki Sohma is reborn!

xtqx

MUTSUKI SOHMA & others

Mutsuki Sohma; the charming, beautiful, yet lazy, son of Yuki Sohma and Machi Kuragi.

If you were a fan of Fruits Basket, like me, then this would all make sense to you. lol. It's complete 100% torture for falling in love with fictional characters. I have fallen in love with them so much and it saddens me because they are not real. I really can't stop because I hope that there would be real people that are like these characters.

Somehow, I have found out the type of guy that I like. It all shows that I really really like the mysterious, quiet, loner, funny, weird sense of humor (like me), likes to glare at people, very kind-hearted, nice, a good person, gives off the 'don't talk to me' vibe, attractive, caring, handsome and cute, serious but has a playful side, is different when with the girl he likes, very smart, strong, knows martial arts, ambitious, prioritize his studies and... Well basically, Yuki Sohma is the one. If ever in my life I suddenly meet someone like him for real, I'd probably faint, die, revive, and become friends with him in an instant!

Hello

....It's me. Hahaha ok sorry

I'm not sure why people are reading my posts because they are weird and uncommon and I always go out of topic. It annoys me a lot but I can't help it. I have so many thoughts until it just goes off-track to nowhere.

I don't know who exactly is reading all this, but thank you.. I think. I've abandoned my blog for so long. I only posted ONE entry in 2015. One. I don't know what happened haha. I'm surprised that people somehow found my blog and read some of the posts. The old ones are embarrassing though, I facepalm every time I reread them.

If one of you know me in real life or social network or we both know each other or we're friends, then, HI! Please don't judge me, I have issues. Sigh.

Alright, so.. have a nice day!

Favorite Memories

Since I love to keep good memories, I felt like making a post about those things so that one day when I'm older, I would come back to this whenever bad things happen and I know this would make me feel happy again.

Cartoons/TV Shows:

• Adventure Time
• Regular Show
• Chowder
• The Amazing World Of Gumball
• How I Met Your Mother
• Teen Titans

Animes/Mangas:

• Fruits Basket
• Kaichou Wa Maid-sama!
• Ouran High School Host Club
• Special A
• Bloody Kiss
• Fruits Basket Another
• Momoiro Heaven!
• Haru Matsu Bokura

Movies/Books:

• The Twilight Saga
• The Hunger Games Series
• The Maze Runner Series
• The Divergent Series
• Tron: Legacy
• Interstellar
• Cloud Atlas

Things To Do When Bored:

• Start drawing again
• Start painting again
• Start reading again
• Bake cookies (Because I love cookies, a lot)
• Watch Anime (Because Animes are hilarious)
• Read manga (Yes, hilarious)
• Clean my room lol
• Play Habbo, Gaiaonline, Migoland (If it comes back)
• Focus on Instashop business
• Delete unwanted photos on laptop
• Actually sell/give away old clothes
• GO OUT WITH FRIENDS
• Sleep
• Organize wardrobe
• Improve drawing skills (hehe)
• Look at ship photos of fav anime and cry because they're not real (torture)
• Open tumblr, cry
• Delete unwanted photos on Facebook
• Laugh at people on the timeline on Twitter
• Think about the future, cry
• Think about the past, cry
• Play games
• Play The Sims 3/4, SPORE, Yandere Simulator, Life Is Strange
• bye

Memories

I, for one, love to hold on to memories as stated in one of my previous post. It hurts a lot though, because nothing lasts forever. But, that never stopped me from keeping pieces of paper that has people's writings in them, photos of people who I do not talk to anymore, old school's empty exercise books that I know I'll never use, and much much more.

It's kind of depressing, really. Sometimes I would try to remember all those good memories behind the useless stuff I still keep, and it saddens me because it will never happen again. And then, I would mentally put it all away, in a tightly-closed-lid container, and forget about it, over and over. Whenever I feel like it, I would just do it again. I would open the container, smile at the memories, and close it back.

I think it's just a small thing to other people. But it's almost everything to me. Because without it, everything would be meaningless. I live for the good memories, bad ones.. Well, I'm not exactly fond of. But, that's just a part of life, when you want the good things, you have to also take the bad.

Maybe if people appreciated life more, things wouldn't seem so bad after all

Anime/Manga!!

Anime/Manga is incredibly underrated and it saddens me so very much. I'm scared that it might one day be forgotten and slowly disappear, forever. That probably won't happen but, still. It's possible since kids nowadays are much too advanced or just don't know what the hell anime/manga is.

I'm glad for being born just at the right time. And also for my grandmother to be having a very kind maid that likes to recommend me amazing Animes that she always watch on TV. I'm absolutely thankful for that. If not, I wouldn't know how cool the Anime world is. (Like some people are now)

Anime/Manga is cool but people are too ignorant or too egoistic to watch it. I've fallen in love with it so many times and really, it has made myself become the person I am now. The characters are all so lively, hilarious, exaggerating but fun and many more. No offence, but, I'd rather watch Animes or read mangas rather than watch all those typical love dramas on TV at my country right now. It's all so cliche and weird. So disappointed, really.

I love Fruits Basket, Kaichou Wa Maid-sama!, Ouran High School Host Club and Fruits Basket Another. I like Naruto, Fairy Tail, Special A and Tokyo Ghoul too but not to the point where I'll obsess over them. I'm most obsessed about Fruits Basket though. Whenever I watch the Anime or read the manga, it just makes me happy and then when I finally finish watching/reading them, I'll get this empty feeling in my heart like I don't know what to do anymore after that. I know, it's ridiculous. But, yeah, it has affected my life so much. A little too much, I think haha.

The Boy In The Gold Vest

I went to The Curve today at Damansara. And, as usual, my parents would sit at a restaurant/cafe somewhere while I walk around, buy some things, or just.. walk.

And, as always, I would get cat-calls, random stranger guys saying "Hi" to me and many more. I'm used to it now because I know they do all those things just because I'm alone. It's always the same at other malls, even Pavilion. They did a big mistake in doing all those things to me because I'm shy and quiet so I would just smile or look down or ignore or act as if they don't exist or just feel embarrassed and look down while shaking my head. I'd facepalm though but that would be too over lol. Most of them are about my age or just a few years older so I didn't really care much. Believe me, I have a lot of guy friends and they all do the same thing. Ugh.

I don't know who all of them are and I'm pretty sure I only met them on that day and then never again after that. That's just how it is. Shopping Malls are the place where you walk by strangers you'll never see again after that.

Shame...

This blog is embarrassing. Well, I am embarrassing. Sigh..

But, nevertheless, it's already too late. I've already made a new blog so that this one would be private and the new one would be public and only contain my own personal opinions about general things (I guess..?) but looks like that's not happening, lol. So, I guess, I'm just going to stick to posting random things in this, once a year haha damn.

I know I'll look back and read all of this, laughing my ass off while hearing some old favourite songs, being nostalgic because I'm always like that. I tend to hold on to things that has to do with memories. I don't know why and it's pretty depressing but.. meh. That's just how it is.

Till next time x