I have not been using my phone as much as I always did before this. Idk it's like I have no mood to talk to anyone and I'm at my hometown right now so I don't really want anything to ruin my mood especially if 'he' or whoever told me something about him that would make my heart break even more than it already is.
I'm just really sad. Sometimes I think people are intentionally taking him away from me, they're happy to see me sad. And that's just sad cause people would go so far to see me miserable. I can't even do anything about it.
I've been putting on a show, acting like I'm okay in front of everyone and telling them I'm fine when I'm far from fine. I miss being happy and I miss smiling or laughing. I still do those things but it's just that now, everytime after I'm done laughing, I would unintentionally remember back what happened and be sad again.
Sometimes I think positive things like I can finally focus on my studies and not worry about whether if I don't talk to him, would he go find someone else or not but now I don't have to care about that cause he already has someone else so I guess that just makes everything a little bit okay...? I don't know. Well, maybe we weren't meant to be together. I mean, we made a lot of great memories and we were so happy but now it's all just.. gone.
September 18, 2014
June 11, 2014
Lost
I haven't posted anything for awhile because I was kind of busy with school and stuff so ok wtvr. I didn't continue my last post because idk it's like I don't have the mood to talk about him anymore. A lot has happened and we were sometimes okay and sometimes not but now it's all over. I blocked him on everything and he did ask about me to some of my friends and I felt grateful that he thought about me even for just a second but later on I realised that it's just nothing. idk why but it is so I decided to just stop talking to him until forever I guess.
People know how breakups are like. There are some people who didn't care at all, moved on just like that. While some, suffered a lot and couldn't stop regretting and felt like they could've done better and should've been good enough for their girl/boy. And that's me. I don't really know if he did care or not about me after we broke up or if he did really want to get back together with me or yeah I just really don't know. It looks as if he did still care but idk maybe he cared because he was lonely or something. Well, there's always a reason, right?
I admit I did regret breaking up with him. He made me so happy but at the same time, he also made me pissed off, sad, left me and yeah much more. It was like I didn't want to break up but I really should. I know that in relationships, we need to fix things not just leave it or throw it all away when things get rough but yeah it was already too late for us.
People know how breakups are like. There are some people who didn't care at all, moved on just like that. While some, suffered a lot and couldn't stop regretting and felt like they could've done better and should've been good enough for their girl/boy. And that's me. I don't really know if he did care or not about me after we broke up or if he did really want to get back together with me or yeah I just really don't know. It looks as if he did still care but idk maybe he cared because he was lonely or something. Well, there's always a reason, right?
I admit I did regret breaking up with him. He made me so happy but at the same time, he also made me pissed off, sad, left me and yeah much more. It was like I didn't want to break up but I really should. I know that in relationships, we need to fix things not just leave it or throw it all away when things get rough but yeah it was already too late for us.
May 12, 2014
The Story Of Us III
Muhammad Qayyum bin Mohd Hafiz <3
He was my classmate in 2013 when we were in form 3. We knew each other since standard 6 because we were in the same class at that time but we were not close at all. Last year, in class, our seats are near each other and I sat alone because there were only 39 students in our class. He's the type of guy who likes to disturb people when he's bored.
He and his friends disturbed me everyday in class because I was a loner lol. They would sometimes say things like, "Madihah, malam ni pukul 12 jangan kunci pintu tau. Aku nak masuk" double-meaning lol then Qayyum would be like, "Haa esok malam aku pulak" and then they would plan whose turn is it after that and all and I just sat there with my blur face and just nod at everything they say. And sometimes one of his friends would take the class broom and ask me what it is (again, double-meaning), so I said it's wood then he responded with, "tak, batang!" and then they all laughed while I just nod at them haha.
After a lot of disturbing at class and all, we got close. Everyday when the last bell rang, he would come to me and say "bye" before going back home. But he's just like that. He's nice to all his friends who are girls. There was this one time when we sat next to each other and we talked about debit cards and credit cards with our friend, Farah. And every time I walk pass him, he would kick my legs and when I wanted to kick his legs back, he ran away.
He was my classmate in 2013 when we were in form 3. We knew each other since standard 6 because we were in the same class at that time but we were not close at all. Last year, in class, our seats are near each other and I sat alone because there were only 39 students in our class. He's the type of guy who likes to disturb people when he's bored.
He and his friends disturbed me everyday in class because I was a loner lol. They would sometimes say things like, "Madihah, malam ni pukul 12 jangan kunci pintu tau. Aku nak masuk" double-meaning lol then Qayyum would be like, "Haa esok malam aku pulak" and then they would plan whose turn is it after that and all and I just sat there with my blur face and just nod at everything they say. And sometimes one of his friends would take the class broom and ask me what it is (again, double-meaning), so I said it's wood then he responded with, "tak, batang!" and then they all laughed while I just nod at them haha.
After a lot of disturbing at class and all, we got close. Everyday when the last bell rang, he would come to me and say "bye" before going back home. But he's just like that. He's nice to all his friends who are girls. There was this one time when we sat next to each other and we talked about debit cards and credit cards with our friend, Farah. And every time I walk pass him, he would kick my legs and when I wanted to kick his legs back, he ran away.
March 14, 2014
All Good Things Must Come To An End
2014 - When everything changed.
My last post was last year, the month of October. Now, it's already March 2014. A lot has happened. The most important thing is, Qayyum & I broke up.
We broke up last week, on Wednesday. It kind of sucks because the day before, we had so much fun & now, it's all gone. Everything, gone. I still can't believe it. I talk about him to Sabrina like we're still together but in reality, we're not anymore. Reality sucks. 2014 sucks.
It's a long story but we broke up because of our stupid ego. I regret it sometimes because we kind of broke up without any reason at all. We've broken up before, a lot of times, but we manage to settle it. But now, it's different. I hate it. I hate missing 2013. I hate missing the old him, the old us.
He says he still loves me but I don't know why he's like, confused. It's like he doesn't want me but he doesn't want to let me go. I, of course, still want him. I miss him. I miss everything. I wish it would all be back to normal & every morning I would wake up & get a text from him saying he misses me. I miss getting flowers, presents, sweet texts from him. I miss all that. I really do.
But, I have to forget him.. like he forgot me.
A few days after we broke up, he did things that made me sad, pissed off, angry, upset & depressed. He hurt me so bad & I can't stop thinking about it. We're okay & we text each other everyday like we used to, but I can never forget what he did. I have to forget all that. I have to move on. I have to forget him.
I gave all his stuff back to a friend of mine, to give it back to him. His note book full of my name, the perfume he gave me, the papers that has his name on them, the flowers he stole at school for me, the tissue paper that was written by me & him about wanting to get married, his name tag, a piece of paper that was written by me about us & the last thing he gave me, which was a toy that he played when he was a kid. All in one paper bag. I cried while putting all of it in there, remembering all the memories we shared, forced to forget all that, forget him, especially.
I have to accept reality; we won't be together anymore. Maybe we will, but not now. I have to accept that I have to forget him. I have to move on from him. He'll find someone better, one of his classmates this year, I guess, like he found me. He did the same thing to them, which hurt me a lot. I thought I was special to him, but I'm not. I have to accept that things aren't the same anymore. And it never will be.
depression sucks, being lonely sucks, everything about 2014 just, sucks.
My last post was last year, the month of October. Now, it's already March 2014. A lot has happened. The most important thing is, Qayyum & I broke up.
We broke up last week, on Wednesday. It kind of sucks because the day before, we had so much fun & now, it's all gone. Everything, gone. I still can't believe it. I talk about him to Sabrina like we're still together but in reality, we're not anymore. Reality sucks. 2014 sucks.
It's a long story but we broke up because of our stupid ego. I regret it sometimes because we kind of broke up without any reason at all. We've broken up before, a lot of times, but we manage to settle it. But now, it's different. I hate it. I hate missing 2013. I hate missing the old him, the old us.
He says he still loves me but I don't know why he's like, confused. It's like he doesn't want me but he doesn't want to let me go. I, of course, still want him. I miss him. I miss everything. I wish it would all be back to normal & every morning I would wake up & get a text from him saying he misses me. I miss getting flowers, presents, sweet texts from him. I miss all that. I really do.
But, I have to forget him.. like he forgot me.
A few days after we broke up, he did things that made me sad, pissed off, angry, upset & depressed. He hurt me so bad & I can't stop thinking about it. We're okay & we text each other everyday like we used to, but I can never forget what he did. I have to forget all that. I have to move on. I have to forget him.
I gave all his stuff back to a friend of mine, to give it back to him. His note book full of my name, the perfume he gave me, the papers that has his name on them, the flowers he stole at school for me, the tissue paper that was written by me & him about wanting to get married, his name tag, a piece of paper that was written by me about us & the last thing he gave me, which was a toy that he played when he was a kid. All in one paper bag. I cried while putting all of it in there, remembering all the memories we shared, forced to forget all that, forget him, especially.
I have to accept reality; we won't be together anymore. Maybe we will, but not now. I have to accept that I have to forget him. I have to move on from him. He'll find someone better, one of his classmates this year, I guess, like he found me. He did the same thing to them, which hurt me a lot. I thought I was special to him, but I'm not. I have to accept that things aren't the same anymore. And it never will be.
depression sucks, being lonely sucks, everything about 2014 just, sucks.
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