It amazes me to see my two half-siblings who are an absolute extrovert, out-going and friendly towards other people all my life. They've been like that since I could even remember. I, on the other hand, am not like them. At all.
When I was a kid, I was a very talkative child. I didn't know how to shut up and I kept on making random friends from basically everywhere. I was brave and didn't care if some of my friends didn't like me or left me for their new friends and all that. I didn't have low self-esteem issues like I do now. Sometimes, I would get anxiety attacks just because some random dude said 'Hi' to me or if I had to talk to a teacher about something and much much more.
I'm not sure how or why I started to change 360 degree. It's weird to think about it though. Puberty, I guess? I seriously don't know and it's very frustrating.
I'm not sure how or why I started to change 360 degree. It's weird to think about it though. Puberty, I guess? I seriously don't know and it's very frustrating.
It is very burdening to be like this. Most of my friends have no trouble in doing a lot of stuff because they're brave and confident. I am one hundred percent sure that I am an introvert. Sure, of course as the days go by, I become more and more brave whenever I meet old friends for the first time and all but when I was at school, it was very hard for me to not get panicked by trivial situations.
I can say I'm pretty friendly. I mean, I make friends easily and I don't really care about other people's status or popularity or history. I am a firm believer of 'if you do good to people, people will do good to you' (not all the time though but still). Making friends is pretty easy to me but the continuously talking or avoiding awkward silences is the hard part. Most of the time, I wouldn't know what to say or what to do when I'm with the people I'm not close with. And then, I would overthink everything and get anxiety attacks again.
My mom, my sister and my brother have no problem in all these things because they talk a lot. I only talk a lot when I'm with my family or with my friends that I have known and become close with for a few years. There was also that one time when some of my far relatives came to my house. My mom talked to them and they were very talkative. I just sat there, being quiet and all because I'm not close with them. And then, my mom had to apologize to them just because I didn't say a word to them at all.
I also get nervous when I'm with guys. I'm okay with my guy bestfriends though but others.. er. I don't know what to say lol. I mean, sometimes I can have a conversation with them but other times, there's a whole lot of awkward silences. It makes me so nervous and even more nervous-er when none of us say anything. I can't be alone with a guy that I'm not close with, seriously. I literally could get a heart attack.
I don't know what will happen after I get into college or university. I'm not capable of being alone in a crowded place where you can't be alone. It's just so very nerve-wrecking to even think about it. I'd probably faint and lay on the ground until I decompose myself haha.
Well then, I guess that's all for today. Thank you for reading, x
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