Sometimes, it's not just a bad "day", sometimes it can be weeks or months or at least once a week people have bad days. And those bad days are not necessarily just "bad", sometimes it's worst than that. And that's when people think of suicide. People like me, yes. We can't help it. We can't just throw the feeling away. I, for one, have always thought about it. I've never gotten close to it like cutting my wrists or attempted jumping of a building. But I have thought about it.
The feeling never really goes away. It sticks. Once you've thought about it once, you'll think about loads of times when you're having those bad days. I've gone through those dark moments when I cried so terribly until I couldn't stop myself. It was depressing. I really felt like I'd rather die than live another minute of that day... but I never really tried to kill myself.
Committing suicide is not good. And it's also a big sin, considering that I'm muslim. Even if it wasn't a sin, I probably wouldn't even try to do it. I don't know, I guess I'm more scared of death. And yeah, that's a good thing. It's like a really big wall that's protecting me. But it doesn't stop me from wanting to die so badly. For instance, when I'm crossing the street, and a car suddenly went straight to me, I'm not really sure if I would want to move away from it.
Sometimes, whenever my mom is screaming at me, I wished that I would pass out at that second and go into a coma or something. And sometimes I think that I'd rather be hurt physically than mentally. Because bruises will heal, that's what medicines are made for. But there's no medicine for a scarred heart.
I've thought of taking counseling classes so that I don't turn into a bad person. But then again, I wouldn't want anybody to know about my life and how I see it through my eyes. No one really knows nor understands. Like the time when I cried in front of my mom because she screamed too many times at me until I couldn't take it anymore. My eyes got watery and then tears came streaming down my face. A lot. I didn't like it. I didn't want her to see, for some reason. But yeah, she still screamed at me even though I was really hurt at that time. And that made me even more sad.
But that's just me. I don't know about anyone else but yeah, that's me. I admit, I always think about suicide. It's just something I can't stop from thinking about. Don't be like me, it's not a good thing. You have to always be positive and pray a lot. Again, SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER.
MMF.
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