I have not been using my phone as much as I always did before this. Idk it's like I have no mood to talk to anyone and I'm at my hometown right now so I don't really want anything to ruin my mood especially if 'he' or whoever told me something about him that would make my heart break even more than it already is.
I'm just really sad. Sometimes I think people are intentionally taking him away from me, they're happy to see me sad. And that's just sad cause people would go so far to see me miserable. I can't even do anything about it.
I've been putting on a show, acting like I'm okay in front of everyone and telling them I'm fine when I'm far from fine. I miss being happy and I miss smiling or laughing. I still do those things but it's just that now, everytime after I'm done laughing, I would unintentionally remember back what happened and be sad again.
Sometimes I think positive things like I can finally focus on my studies and not worry about whether if I don't talk to him, would he go find someone else or not but now I don't have to care about that cause he already has someone else so I guess that just makes everything a little bit okay...? I don't know. Well, maybe we weren't meant to be together. I mean, we made a lot of great memories and we were so happy but now it's all just.. gone.
September 18, 2014
June 11, 2014
Lost
I haven't posted anything for awhile because I was kind of busy with school and stuff so ok wtvr. I didn't continue my last post because idk it's like I don't have the mood to talk about him anymore. A lot has happened and we were sometimes okay and sometimes not but now it's all over. I blocked him on everything and he did ask about me to some of my friends and I felt grateful that he thought about me even for just a second but later on I realised that it's just nothing. idk why but it is so I decided to just stop talking to him until forever I guess.
People know how breakups are like. There are some people who didn't care at all, moved on just like that. While some, suffered a lot and couldn't stop regretting and felt like they could've done better and should've been good enough for their girl/boy. And that's me. I don't really know if he did care or not about me after we broke up or if he did really want to get back together with me or yeah I just really don't know. It looks as if he did still care but idk maybe he cared because he was lonely or something. Well, there's always a reason, right?
I admit I did regret breaking up with him. He made me so happy but at the same time, he also made me pissed off, sad, left me and yeah much more. It was like I didn't want to break up but I really should. I know that in relationships, we need to fix things not just leave it or throw it all away when things get rough but yeah it was already too late for us.
People know how breakups are like. There are some people who didn't care at all, moved on just like that. While some, suffered a lot and couldn't stop regretting and felt like they could've done better and should've been good enough for their girl/boy. And that's me. I don't really know if he did care or not about me after we broke up or if he did really want to get back together with me or yeah I just really don't know. It looks as if he did still care but idk maybe he cared because he was lonely or something. Well, there's always a reason, right?
I admit I did regret breaking up with him. He made me so happy but at the same time, he also made me pissed off, sad, left me and yeah much more. It was like I didn't want to break up but I really should. I know that in relationships, we need to fix things not just leave it or throw it all away when things get rough but yeah it was already too late for us.
May 12, 2014
The Story Of Us III
Muhammad Qayyum bin Mohd Hafiz <3
He was my classmate in 2013 when we were in form 3. We knew each other since standard 6 because we were in the same class at that time but we were not close at all. Last year, in class, our seats are near each other and I sat alone because there were only 39 students in our class. He's the type of guy who likes to disturb people when he's bored.
He and his friends disturbed me everyday in class because I was a loner lol. They would sometimes say things like, "Madihah, malam ni pukul 12 jangan kunci pintu tau. Aku nak masuk" double-meaning lol then Qayyum would be like, "Haa esok malam aku pulak" and then they would plan whose turn is it after that and all and I just sat there with my blur face and just nod at everything they say. And sometimes one of his friends would take the class broom and ask me what it is (again, double-meaning), so I said it's wood then he responded with, "tak, batang!" and then they all laughed while I just nod at them haha.
After a lot of disturbing at class and all, we got close. Everyday when the last bell rang, he would come to me and say "bye" before going back home. But he's just like that. He's nice to all his friends who are girls. There was this one time when we sat next to each other and we talked about debit cards and credit cards with our friend, Farah. And every time I walk pass him, he would kick my legs and when I wanted to kick his legs back, he ran away.
He was my classmate in 2013 when we were in form 3. We knew each other since standard 6 because we were in the same class at that time but we were not close at all. Last year, in class, our seats are near each other and I sat alone because there were only 39 students in our class. He's the type of guy who likes to disturb people when he's bored.
He and his friends disturbed me everyday in class because I was a loner lol. They would sometimes say things like, "Madihah, malam ni pukul 12 jangan kunci pintu tau. Aku nak masuk" double-meaning lol then Qayyum would be like, "Haa esok malam aku pulak" and then they would plan whose turn is it after that and all and I just sat there with my blur face and just nod at everything they say. And sometimes one of his friends would take the class broom and ask me what it is (again, double-meaning), so I said it's wood then he responded with, "tak, batang!" and then they all laughed while I just nod at them haha.
After a lot of disturbing at class and all, we got close. Everyday when the last bell rang, he would come to me and say "bye" before going back home. But he's just like that. He's nice to all his friends who are girls. There was this one time when we sat next to each other and we talked about debit cards and credit cards with our friend, Farah. And every time I walk pass him, he would kick my legs and when I wanted to kick his legs back, he ran away.
March 14, 2014
All Good Things Must Come To An End
2014 - When everything changed.
My last post was last year, the month of October. Now, it's already March 2014. A lot has happened. The most important thing is, Qayyum & I broke up.
We broke up last week, on Wednesday. It kind of sucks because the day before, we had so much fun & now, it's all gone. Everything, gone. I still can't believe it. I talk about him to Sabrina like we're still together but in reality, we're not anymore. Reality sucks. 2014 sucks.
It's a long story but we broke up because of our stupid ego. I regret it sometimes because we kind of broke up without any reason at all. We've broken up before, a lot of times, but we manage to settle it. But now, it's different. I hate it. I hate missing 2013. I hate missing the old him, the old us.
He says he still loves me but I don't know why he's like, confused. It's like he doesn't want me but he doesn't want to let me go. I, of course, still want him. I miss him. I miss everything. I wish it would all be back to normal & every morning I would wake up & get a text from him saying he misses me. I miss getting flowers, presents, sweet texts from him. I miss all that. I really do.
But, I have to forget him.. like he forgot me.
A few days after we broke up, he did things that made me sad, pissed off, angry, upset & depressed. He hurt me so bad & I can't stop thinking about it. We're okay & we text each other everyday like we used to, but I can never forget what he did. I have to forget all that. I have to move on. I have to forget him.
I gave all his stuff back to a friend of mine, to give it back to him. His note book full of my name, the perfume he gave me, the papers that has his name on them, the flowers he stole at school for me, the tissue paper that was written by me & him about wanting to get married, his name tag, a piece of paper that was written by me about us & the last thing he gave me, which was a toy that he played when he was a kid. All in one paper bag. I cried while putting all of it in there, remembering all the memories we shared, forced to forget all that, forget him, especially.
I have to accept reality; we won't be together anymore. Maybe we will, but not now. I have to accept that I have to forget him. I have to move on from him. He'll find someone better, one of his classmates this year, I guess, like he found me. He did the same thing to them, which hurt me a lot. I thought I was special to him, but I'm not. I have to accept that things aren't the same anymore. And it never will be.
depression sucks, being lonely sucks, everything about 2014 just, sucks.
My last post was last year, the month of October. Now, it's already March 2014. A lot has happened. The most important thing is, Qayyum & I broke up.
We broke up last week, on Wednesday. It kind of sucks because the day before, we had so much fun & now, it's all gone. Everything, gone. I still can't believe it. I talk about him to Sabrina like we're still together but in reality, we're not anymore. Reality sucks. 2014 sucks.
It's a long story but we broke up because of our stupid ego. I regret it sometimes because we kind of broke up without any reason at all. We've broken up before, a lot of times, but we manage to settle it. But now, it's different. I hate it. I hate missing 2013. I hate missing the old him, the old us.
He says he still loves me but I don't know why he's like, confused. It's like he doesn't want me but he doesn't want to let me go. I, of course, still want him. I miss him. I miss everything. I wish it would all be back to normal & every morning I would wake up & get a text from him saying he misses me. I miss getting flowers, presents, sweet texts from him. I miss all that. I really do.
But, I have to forget him.. like he forgot me.
A few days after we broke up, he did things that made me sad, pissed off, angry, upset & depressed. He hurt me so bad & I can't stop thinking about it. We're okay & we text each other everyday like we used to, but I can never forget what he did. I have to forget all that. I have to move on. I have to forget him.
I gave all his stuff back to a friend of mine, to give it back to him. His note book full of my name, the perfume he gave me, the papers that has his name on them, the flowers he stole at school for me, the tissue paper that was written by me & him about wanting to get married, his name tag, a piece of paper that was written by me about us & the last thing he gave me, which was a toy that he played when he was a kid. All in one paper bag. I cried while putting all of it in there, remembering all the memories we shared, forced to forget all that, forget him, especially.
I have to accept reality; we won't be together anymore. Maybe we will, but not now. I have to accept that I have to forget him. I have to move on from him. He'll find someone better, one of his classmates this year, I guess, like he found me. He did the same thing to them, which hurt me a lot. I thought I was special to him, but I'm not. I have to accept that things aren't the same anymore. And it never will be.
depression sucks, being lonely sucks, everything about 2014 just, sucks.
October 18, 2013
-
Before this, people thought I was with.. someone else. And I admit, I thought I would be with that person too. But somehow, things became complicated and then I chose... Qayyum.
We've been together for about 5 months now. Most people would know that I've been hurt a lot of times. I soon became heartless and didn't want to be with anyone at all. And while I was enjoying being single, I talked with a lot of guys. No, not because I wanted to flirt them, of course not. I always talk to them on social network because I've never met them, let alone talk to them face to face. Of course I talk to my girl friends but only at school because most of them don't have social network, understand? Good.
After my breakup with Eiman, I started to get close with Hazeem, as most of you all would know. We always on-the-phoned, skype, whatsapp, mention on twitter and whatnot. But then, on this year, I started to be close with Qayyum because we were classmates. Suddenly, he confessed to me and I was a little surprised. My friend, Afiqah, who is also a friend of Qayyum's, wanted us to be together so she helped us. She helped Qayyum by asking me what I think of him. I just told her that I didn't like guys who smokes cigarettes/shisha/vapor or wtvr that has anything to do with smoking. He has smoked in front of me before he likes me so I was like wow dude. Haha. So then after I said that, he stopped smoking. I was also surprised.
Then, I stalked him on twitter and I found out that he has a girlfriend. Later at school, my friend talked to him while he was sitting beside me. My friend asked about his girlfriend and he said they're not together anymore. After a few months, Hazeem confessed but in a playful way so I just take it as a joke. Suddenly, he told me he was serious. And I didn't know who to choose. Qayyum kept on asking me to give him a chance to make me happy. I thought about how Hazeem was so un-serious and Qayyum have waited for me since the day he confessed to me. So yeah, I chose Qayyum.
It's been 5 months and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm head-over-heels in love with him. Even though we always fight and almost broke up a lot of times, he still manage to lower his ego and try to fix us. I love him so much and he always make me happy. I'm grateful to meet such an amazing and loving guy like him, Alhamdulillah. I don't know what I will ever do without him.
x
We've been together for about 5 months now. Most people would know that I've been hurt a lot of times. I soon became heartless and didn't want to be with anyone at all. And while I was enjoying being single, I talked with a lot of guys. No, not because I wanted to flirt them, of course not. I always talk to them on social network because I've never met them, let alone talk to them face to face. Of course I talk to my girl friends but only at school because most of them don't have social network, understand? Good.
After my breakup with Eiman, I started to get close with Hazeem, as most of you all would know. We always on-the-phoned, skype, whatsapp, mention on twitter and whatnot. But then, on this year, I started to be close with Qayyum because we were classmates. Suddenly, he confessed to me and I was a little surprised. My friend, Afiqah, who is also a friend of Qayyum's, wanted us to be together so she helped us. She helped Qayyum by asking me what I think of him. I just told her that I didn't like guys who smokes cigarettes/shisha/vapor or wtvr that has anything to do with smoking. He has smoked in front of me before he likes me so I was like wow dude. Haha. So then after I said that, he stopped smoking. I was also surprised.
Then, I stalked him on twitter and I found out that he has a girlfriend. Later at school, my friend talked to him while he was sitting beside me. My friend asked about his girlfriend and he said they're not together anymore. After a few months, Hazeem confessed but in a playful way so I just take it as a joke. Suddenly, he told me he was serious. And I didn't know who to choose. Qayyum kept on asking me to give him a chance to make me happy. I thought about how Hazeem was so un-serious and Qayyum have waited for me since the day he confessed to me. So yeah, I chose Qayyum.
It's been 5 months and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm head-over-heels in love with him. Even though we always fight and almost broke up a lot of times, he still manage to lower his ego and try to fix us. I love him so much and he always make me happy. I'm grateful to meet such an amazing and loving guy like him, Alhamdulillah. I don't know what I will ever do without him.
x
May 2, 2013
Not-So-Secret Admirer
I found out someone likes me. And he's my classmate..
We used to be in the same class together when we were standard 6 but we weren't really that close at that time. At the beginning of this year, he and his friends like to tease me in class. We sit near each other so we talk a lot. He likes to kick my legs and he sometimes sulk because I didn't want to give him money. I had a very mini crush on him at that time because he was the only guy that always disturbed me at class.
There was this one time when our teacher gave us all some exercise books and it wasn't enough so some of us had to share so he came to me, sat next to me and we shared the book together. While we were doing some work, we talked. It felt weird to me but I kept calm haha. And then we kicked each other and stuff. After that, we sat next to each other and talked with one of my friends, Aisyah. We laughed a lot too.
On March, he gave me a piece of paper and asked for my phone number and I gave it to him. And then the March 1 week holiday started and we texted. After a few days, he suddenly confessed to me. He said he couldn't stop thinking about me. I was shocked and I didn't want it to happen. I didn't like it because everything would be awkward. And it did.
School started as normal. I went to school and such. I went into class and saw him, looking at me, smiling. I felt so shy. I couldn't stop laughing. I was always smiling at class. We texted everyday and there were a lot of fighting and such. He told me that he felt jealous whenever he sees me talking to other guys even though those guys were our classmates. We argued a lot but he'd say sorry and in the end, we'll be okay again.
Last 2 weeks, he decided to send me home. Which he did. We walked while talking and he sent me until we arrived on the 9th floor. We already sent me home a few times now. And there was this one time when we got in the lift and we arrived the 9th floor, I wanted to go out of the lift. But then, he stopped me by holding my right hand wrist. I was so shocked ((again, haha)) and speechless. And there was this other time when we were at the lobby and I wanted to go in but there were people inside so he pulled my bag pack because he wanted to be alone with me haha and then he said "bye sayang" to me when I got out of the lift.
THAT'S ALL BYE
We used to be in the same class together when we were standard 6 but we weren't really that close at that time. At the beginning of this year, he and his friends like to tease me in class. We sit near each other so we talk a lot. He likes to kick my legs and he sometimes sulk because I didn't want to give him money. I had a very mini crush on him at that time because he was the only guy that always disturbed me at class.
There was this one time when our teacher gave us all some exercise books and it wasn't enough so some of us had to share so he came to me, sat next to me and we shared the book together. While we were doing some work, we talked. It felt weird to me but I kept calm haha. And then we kicked each other and stuff. After that, we sat next to each other and talked with one of my friends, Aisyah. We laughed a lot too.
On March, he gave me a piece of paper and asked for my phone number and I gave it to him. And then the March 1 week holiday started and we texted. After a few days, he suddenly confessed to me. He said he couldn't stop thinking about me. I was shocked and I didn't want it to happen. I didn't like it because everything would be awkward. And it did.
School started as normal. I went to school and such. I went into class and saw him, looking at me, smiling. I felt so shy. I couldn't stop laughing. I was always smiling at class. We texted everyday and there were a lot of fighting and such. He told me that he felt jealous whenever he sees me talking to other guys even though those guys were our classmates. We argued a lot but he'd say sorry and in the end, we'll be okay again.
Last 2 weeks, he decided to send me home. Which he did. We walked while talking and he sent me until we arrived on the 9th floor. We already sent me home a few times now. And there was this one time when we got in the lift and we arrived the 9th floor, I wanted to go out of the lift. But then, he stopped me by holding my right hand wrist. I was so shocked ((again, haha)) and speechless. And there was this other time when we were at the lobby and I wanted to go in but there were people inside so he pulled my bag pack because he wanted to be alone with me haha and then he said "bye sayang" to me when I got out of the lift.
THAT'S ALL BYE
March 25, 2013
25.3.2013
 |
| I hid my face because it was too ugly.. |
I went to Tasnim's house and sleptover there. I told him and he got really excited to meet me and well I was really excited too. At first, we thought we couldn't meet today because of some reasons but yeah Alhamdulillah it happened anyway :-)
I waited for Tasnim to come back home from school because she got something to do. And then at 2 o' clock, we went outside and I told Hazeem to meet us at the park. Tasnim and I arrived the park and we rode the swings. It was a really hot day so it was kind of unenjoyable to go there but yeah whatevs. So we waited for him for a few minutes and then I saw him walking towards us and I got up from the swing and stood beside a pole and well I spun there because I felt so freaking awkward and I giggled a lot. He rode one of the swings and said "hi" and I just replied with "hi" and laughed a lot.
Tasnim got up and went to the slide while I just stood there, smiling like a weirdo. Hazeem got up and rode the swing beside me and Tasnim forced me to ride the swing beside him so I did. It. was. so. freaking. awkward. I just kept quiet. But then, the weather got hotter, Hazeem went to sit at the sitting place thing lol and I followed him.
I sat across him because I didn't know what to do. Then he said, "sit here" so I got up with a weird smile on my face and sat beside him but a little far from him. And so we talked about some stuff. It was a really awkward conversation because we both didn't know what to say. Then there were a lot of times when we both were really quiet and yeah we didn't say anything.
A few minutes later, Tasnim asked to go to BubbleBlog which we did go and awkwardly walking together. And so we arrived to the store and Hazeem ordered his drink and he sat on the chair. While Tasnim was ordering, I went to the table and sat on one of the chairs. Hazeem got up and switched to the other chair because he wanted to sit in front of me (lol) and he just looked at me. I was shy so I didn't look at him at all. And yes, we didn't say a word to each other at all.
Tasnim wanted to go back to the park and I said "let's go" to Hazeem but suddenly he said "go first" so I was like "ooookay..." so I went there with Tasnim with a feeling that Hazeem was annoyed/regretted seeing me. So as we were walking and wondering, I kept on looking back if he did got out of the store but no, he didn't. That made me feel bad. And then suddenly, I saw him. "Ohhh, thank god!" was all I could think of. But Tasnim and I were walking so fast, he couldn't catch up but we eventually met at the park and sat at the sitting place thing again haha.
Tasnim went to ride the swings so it was just me and Hazeem at that time. We talked, laughed and stuff. And then I said "just now you said you want a picture of us both" and he said "oh yes! Ask Tasnim to take it" so I did and yeah she did. It was a funny picture which I'd probably won't here or idk haha. And then there were a lot of times when I looked at him and he looked at me and we both felt weird so we looked the other way and laughed. It was... sweet? Haha kind of.
A few amazing minutes passed and it was already 3.20pm so Tasnim and I had to go back home. We walked together but that time Hazeem was really walking beside me. Like REALLY close. And there was a time when Tasnim was like pushing me to him and I asked her why and she said she wanted to make him fall so I said "go and fall down" to him while lifting my hand a bit and his hand was too so we touched and it felt like wow. And so we walked and walked and walked and then we arrived to Tasnim's house so it was time to say goodbye :-(
But then Hazeem said he wants another picture of us two, a proper one. Tasnim helped taking the picture (the one above) and so I said "bye" while smiling and waving my hand even though he was still beside me. And then he said, "bye sayang" while smiling and I giggled and hugged Tasnim because I was in shock haha like seriously! I was cool if it was through the phone but this.... was different. I still couldn't believe he said that in front of my ugly, oily, sweaty face. Gosh man srsly. Haha so yeah we got in and Hazeem walked home alone.
It was fun and I enjoyed today very much even though we didn't talk much but it was fun seeing him. For the first time. I can't say that I have feelings for him but I can't say that I don't too. I'm confused but yeah whatever. A lot of people has mistaken/teased us as a couple but we stayed cool and all. And just now when I performed my Maghrib prayers, I cried a little. I was so happy and surprised that it happened. I met him, face to face. I never thought it would be possible, never ever. I felt really thankful to Allah for letting it happen. I really do.
And so yeah, I guess today was one of my favorite day of 2013. I really hope that I get to see him again.
x
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