Lost

I haven't posted anything for awhile because I was kind of busy with school and stuff so ok wtvr. I didn't continue my last post because idk it's like I don't have the mood to talk about him anymore. A lot has happened and we were sometimes okay and sometimes not but now it's all over. I blocked him on everything and he did ask about me to some of my friends and I felt grateful that he thought about me even for just a second but later on I realised that it's just nothing. idk why but it is so I decided to just stop talking to him until forever I guess.

People know how breakups are like. There are some people who didn't care at all, moved on just like that. While some, suffered a lot and couldn't stop regretting and felt like they could've done better and should've been good enough for their girl/boy. And that's me. I don't really know if he did care or not about me after we broke up or if he did really want to get back together with me or yeah I just really don't know. It looks as if he did still care but idk maybe he cared because he was lonely or something. Well, there's always a reason, right?

I admit I did regret breaking up with him. He made me so happy but at the same time, he also made me pissed off, sad, left me and yeah much more. It was like I didn't want to break up but I really should. I know that in relationships, we need to fix things not just leave it or throw it all away when things get rough but yeah it was already too late for us.

I know people would think that I'm exaggerating because I'm only almost sixteen, this is all just puppy-love and shit but I always think to myself, no one knows what we both really felt and no one really knows if it's real or not. Just because we're still in high school doesn't necessarily mean that it's all fake or whatever. Who are you to judge? Who are you to think that way? Yeah, you're human just like us. No one knows what's going to happen.

Ok back to the topic..
I lost him. Many times. I lost a boyfriend, a lover, my diary and most of all, I lost my bestfriend. We didn't agree much most of the time, argued numerous times even before we got together and we barely understand each other but he was crazy, I was crazy and we were both crazy for each other so we managed to work it out. We were in the same school since standard four and barely knew each other existed until last year. Fate, I guess?

He was my real not-so-secret admirer. I mean, yeah I had some secret admirers but they didn't do anything to get to know me better or say 'hi' to me face to face but he did and he gave me a small flower and did a lot of things to make me accept him. I'm grateful to meet him but also regretted trusting him.

He knows that I have a blog and he had once read a post I wrote about him when we were still together. I don't know if he even remembers or if he did, would he even go here and read all this. Sometimes I hope he does but sometimes I just hope that he doesn't. I'm so bipolar I don't even understand myself.

We used to talk to each other through the phone for hours, talking about random things and laughing together. And whenever I sulk, he would make me laugh and he would be so happy because I laughed because of him. I miss all that. I miss everything about last year. I miss him, I really do. But I can't do anything about it. The old him is gone. Now he's just a stupid jerk who deserves a slap in the face. I've gotten over him like 98% and I'm okay now. I think I am. I've gotten used to it so it's okay. It's not but it is.

I don't know maybe one day we'll see each other again and be happy like we used to be. Maybe. Or not. He used to say that we would get married no matter what happens. He would come back to me even if I liked someone else. But now it's different. I can see that he doesn't feel anything towards me anymore. So I'll just leave it like that. But I really wish he cared as much as I did. But of course we don't always get what we want.

I loved him a lot. Well of course I did. He was the longest guy I've ever been with. 9 months, almost a year. We made a lot of memories together. sigh

It's time to move on and let go. It's time to forget all about him like he forgot all about me. It's time to be happy alone again. And one day we'll be happy together again. I hope so.. I really do.

x