Gone

I have not been using my phone as much as I always did before this. Idk it's like I have no mood to talk to anyone and I'm at my hometown right now so I don't really want anything to ruin my mood especially if 'he' or whoever told me something about him that would make my heart break even more than it already is.

I'm just really sad. Sometimes I think people are intentionally taking him away from me, they're happy to see me sad. And that's just sad cause people would go so far to see me miserable. I can't even do anything about it.

I've been putting on a show, acting like I'm okay in front of everyone and telling them I'm fine when I'm far from fine. I miss being happy and I miss smiling or laughing. I still do those things but it's just that now, everytime after I'm done laughing, I would unintentionally remember back what happened and be sad again.

Sometimes I think positive things like I can finally focus on my studies and not worry about whether if I don't talk to him, would he go find someone else or not but now I don't have to care about that cause he already has someone else so I guess that just makes everything a little bit okay...? I don't know. Well, maybe we weren't meant to be together. I mean, we made a lot of great memories and we were so happy but now it's all just.. gone.

I feel guilty for still thinking about him cause he is someone else's now. I feel like I'm obsessed over someone else's boyfriend which I am but I just can't stop. I always remember back the times like 2 weeks ago, when we were okay and we talked through the phone and he said "I love you" a lot of times and I said "I love you too" and he would say it again and again and he asked if I got sick of hearing him say that sentence over and over again and I said no, I would never get sick of it and then he told me that everytime he says that sentence to me, he would feel like he loves me even more.

But I'm sure he's happily saying that sentence to his girlfriend right now. And also telling her how happy he is to be with her, just like what he said to me when we were together. Being replaced in a split second really sucks and watching them together sucks even more.

I don't even know what to do right now. I'm tired of being sad all the time and I'm so tired of telling people how sad I am over the same damn thing. Some of them don't even care anymore so I'm basically done with communicating and whatnot.

I realised that in my previous posts I repeat the same sentence; "I miss him a lot. I really do." and yeah I still do miss him. I don't know it's just that the things he say always make me laugh but now I have to stop missing him because I'm sure he doesn't even care about me, not even a tiny bit and he doesn't miss me at all. I'm sure of it.

How could this happen to me? How could I have been so stupid and so blind? It's all my fault though. I made him leave. I pushed him away and now he's gone.. forever. Things will never happen the same way twice. Just like he won't come back like he always did before this. I'm sure of it. He won't come back, and the last thing we did when we last met was that he held out his hand and he held my hand and yeah that was it. I guess it was all just for me to see him for the very last time and hold his hand. It was all for the very last time before it's all over. Now it's all over.

And it's all my fault.

x