Life Update

Hi, readers..? I've been gone since god knows when lol. I just entered university at utmkl a few months ago, currently taking Mechatronic course. Most people do not know what in the world is that so I suggest you google it if you don't know. It basically has something to do with robots, which all of you may already know, I love.

Things have been really hectic, I've never been this stressed out in my entire life. Sure, I look so happy and enjoying everything and whatnot, I actually do but deep inside me, there's this something, ya know? Like, I keep on thinking "no, I should be studying" or "what the hell am I doing?" or "this is no time for fun and games" and it's making me have a headache.

There's this one subject that is very hard for me to score. I seem to understand the concept and all but when on paper, I go blank. I entered utmkl a week late and I know that shouldn't be an excuse but still. Or maybe I'm just too dumb? Because most of my classmates have no trouble doing all the exercises.

I seriously don't know what to do and how to stop being so lazy. When I see my classmates studying together, I start to feel this uneasiness in my head. I want to join them, but I never had the courage to actually do. They're alright and all but we're not in the same gang, ya know? They have their own group and I'm with my other friends most of the time because I came in later than them.

Physical Condition

Most people might not know this but even though I live a somewhat 'perfect' life (well not really perfect but Alhamdulillah I'm blessed with so much love and other things), I have a lot of non-perfect things about me too. It's not really a big deal or life-threatening but as my mom once said, raising me is like raising 10 children.

Like everyone else, I too, have problems. One of them being scoliosis. It's a medical condition where your backbone isn't exactly 180 degree straight like it should be. Mine is kind of an 'S' shape. If you don't get it since I suck at explaining things, just google it. Scoliosis, that's it. It's not that serious since I found out about it at an early age and managed to do physiotherapy. It won't become completely straight, it's still a bit crooked but the physiotherapy prevents it from making my right lung squeezed and crushed, making me lose my breath and probably die but Alhamdulillah, that won't happen as long as I continue lifting weight for my backbone and doing much much more painful exercises for it.

Every time I go there, it feels like hell. Seriously. The exercises and lifting weights become more and more painful as the years go by. I don't know when it would finally stop but yeah, my parents would still have to pay for the expenses till then. But, the doctors did say that when I grow up, I'd feel discomfort and a little pain on my backbone since it's not straight. Also, if I were to become pregnant, it would also be much more painful than usual. Hooray..!

Random Stuff

Lately, I've been getting a lot of weird dreams. Most of them involving me having a boyfriend haha! I don't really care being single for a long time and all. It doesn't bother me that much until I feel like I have to be in a relationship all the time like it's a need and not a want. I always see that nowadays, like people changing partners in a blink of an eye or having crushes on popular people just for fame or some other situations that are similar to them. I don't hate these kind of people but I don't particularly like them either.

Ok, back to the main topic! These dreams I've been having are weird to me because it's like so funny. I guess I do feel lonely without realizing it until I dream about boyfriends and such. They were great dreams though, but dreams are just dreams.

I don't know, maybe being single for almost 2 years (wow) now have affected me a bit more than I thought it would. It's not really a bad thing but sometimes it does get pretty lonely when my friends are all busy with their own lives and all. Or when I go out to a shopping mall and walk around alone with guys staring at me and smiling and saying weird things to me, that's when I really wish that I had a boyfriend to protect me from them. Yeah, just a protector. Lol.

Few Things About Me

I've been thinking a lot lately.. Well, I always do that but as I'm getting older, my mind kind of changes. I guess it's the side-effect of going to be 18 years old this year. I have never acted my age, I was always a kid at heart. Even one of my 16-year-old cousin says that. But, at the end of the day, all the fun things must come to an end, huh?

Well that was a good intro, wasn't it? Haha! Hello, there :) It looks like it's another post about me. First of all, I'm very complicated. And egoistic. And stubborn too. I've grown very defensive, somehow. Before this, I never really cared what people said to me, I would just shut my mouth and go away. But now, I guess I've had enough. I've grown tired and sick of these things. I fight back when people push me down. It's either I get back up, or I drag them down with me. It's devious, I know. Sorry.

People would advice me to just stay calm, ignore them and just be patient because they will get what they deserve one day. But it's hard, you see, because I'm not like that. I'm not THAT good of a person. I won't stay down. I'd feel weak and stupid if I did. But. no one ever sees that. They expect me to be how they want me to be. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but then again, I'm not.

So, all bad things aside, I don't think I'll ever get married. (escalated quickly, am I right?) lol. I don't know, I just think that. At first, I was only joking around with my friends because I knew that they'd respond with "You'll get married, of course" or "Allah SWT made us in pairs for a reason" or "Don't be stupid, that's not true" and stuff like that. Yeah, I'm smart like that hehe. But somehow it backfired and I psycho-ed myself by thinking that it's true and it's not a joke anymore.

Awkward

Sometimes, I have these insecure, awkward moments whenever I'm at a shopping mall at KL or in public or whatever and I don't really expect to meet anyone I know at those places because those things happen only once in a blue moon (but it has happened before but that's for another post lol) but when it does suddenly happen more than 'once in a blue moon', I'll suddenly freak out and run away.

It has happened countless times and the people that I met notice me and saw me running away which is very funny. Not embarrassing to me because I don't really want to talk to them but it was just funny. Most of the time, I was already too late to run away so I tried to hide my face but we were too close for them to not notice me at all. The hardest part of it all is having a non-awkward 'normal' conversation with them as if we just met there and then.

I have tried to not be awkward in front of people but I fail.. every time. That's why I prefer running away rather than dealing and getting anxious and nervous over acting normal in front of these people like I'm not about to get a heart attack in the middle of our conversation. I know, I know.. it's weird.

Friends

"Friends aren't important"
"You'll make new friends when you enter college"
"School friends don't last forever"
"You're pretty, so it's easy for you to make friends"

These are the things that I always hear from so many people. They're not entirely wrong, but they're not completely right either. I didn't like hearing these things and not because I know some of them are right, but because I tried so hard not to believe in it. I blocked this mindset, I psycho-ed myself to become better than them. So that I wouldn't get easily manipulated or brainwashed.

All my life, I've gone through so many partings. My family and I have moved a lot for the past few years because of money problem but now it's settled. I got used to the idea of meeting new people every few years. But slowly, it changed me. I was once a talkative kid but turned into a quiet and shy, introverted person. I've realised that this is the real world, nothing can change it.

I also psycho-ed myself to make friends with almost everyone at school. I didn't care about popularity, class, age barrier, or things like that. Especially class though. I saw that people from the upper classes rarely become friends with the people who were in the lower classes. And also vice versa. I, on the other hand, are friends with all types of people. And many of them were shocked to see that because I was in the second class but at the same time are very close friends with people who are in the lower classes. I don't know how I did it but, it was fun.

The Usual

I'm sorry to all my readers if you ever get tired of me writing saddening posts 90% of the time. I seriously can't help it lol I guess this is what happens when you only write one entry in the past year. I still find it funny and it was just a short paragraph lol what the hell? I dunno dude

Well, as most of you would know, 2014 was a really bad year for me. Everything was basically falling apart and believe me, I wanted to disappear so so much. Well firstly, I know other people have it hard and much worse than me but, you know.. oh gosh, I feel bad now. Urgh, I'm so complicated, I even confuse myself!

The starting of 2014 was okay but then some girls in my school started to dislike me because I always tweet a lot but quiet in real life (I talk a lot actually just not in front of them because I'm cool like that) haha but really though. They started to provoke me on twitter but indirectly. They even bashed me on ask.fm anonymously but I know it was them. It was just too obvious. They were really hypocritical since they said I was a coward but at the same time being anonymous. It was funny, I lolled.

All that, and also I broke up with "him". Things got rough and yeah. He wasn't helping at all with making me move on easily or anything because he kept on coming back but at the same time flirted with other girls. The girls who didn't like me were his classmates so they were very (and I mean, very) happy to hear the news about our breakup.